an ass to celebrate
December 5, 2007
crack open the bubbly…
let us celebrate beauty. let us celebrate perfection. let us celebrate the ass of mindy vega. it still looks phenomenal even at the ripe old age of 33. what’s her secret?
i don’t know but she needs to share it with others, right quick. i cropped the above photo so that her schwance wasn’t visible, poking its little head out from the rear. you know, because i run a classy site here. believe me when i say that it killed me to delete all of that gloriousness. the only saving grace is that i can rub one out to the uncropped version as soon as i finish this literary treasure known as this girl is too hot for porn.
look at those feet and that pedicure. oh my goodness…
ok. i couldn’t wait. her feet pushed me over the edge. i just took a little ‘break,’ and now i’m about 10lbs lighter - yeah, my sperm are huge. i also can think clearly now which should last for only about ten minutes, before i start to get ‘backed-up’ again. so, i better write fast.
unfortunately, one can celebrate and pontificate over an ass for only so long before it becomes tiresome. actually, i think that must be my ‘post-ejaculation self’ talking. well, either way, i need to go take a nap…
‘a chafed ass and its owner find love’
December 2, 2007
i had no idea the chaffing was even happening.
if i had, i would have stopped doing whatever it was i was doing. i had taken a yoga class, and i had gone for a jog, both while wearing the same pair of boxer briefs, hanes boxer briefs to be exact.
i have only ever liked calvin klein underwear. that is, when i wear underwear, which is hardly ever. i must say that my calvin klein’s have made more than a few babes unable to wait until christmas to open my ‘package,’ or should i say their ‘package.’ normally though, it’s commando city, baby. believe me. as my ass throbbed, i was left wondering “if only i’d gone commando this time…”
what is one to do when their ass gets incredibly chafed and painful to the touch? i mentioned my dilemma to a friend. his response?
vaseline.
really? hmm. i would have never in a million years even remotely considered the possibility of bringing vaseline anywhere even close to my bung. the more i thought about it though, and the more exascerbated my chaffing became, the better and better the curious ring of vaseline sounded to my virginal ears.
in fact i started to feel a strange sense of excitement, like the anticipation before a big date. what should i wear? should i take another shower? should i trim my anal hairs? should i buy myself a few drinks so that i can ‘loosen up?’
oh, the excitement!!!
i’ll admit it’s an unlikely pairing, but vaseline and i have been dating now for two weeks. our love affair is just blossoming. we are still at the stage of learning all of each other’s idiosyncracies but i can tell you that she is everything i’ve been looking for in a woman, well, except for that whole woman part, obviously.
i may never go commando again.
my herpes didn’t stay in vegas
December 1, 2007
‘what happens in vegas, stays in vegas?’
never, have i heard a bigger crock of shit, ever. it’s the most misleading marketing campaign that i have ever had the misfortune to watch, listen to, absorb, believe.
i guess it just proves that no matter how brilliant i truly am, even i am capable of being ‘duped.’
let me explain.
i went to vegas last weekend for a friend’s bachelor party. we hired entertainment. they sent us four ’smoking hot’ call girls. while the one babe was tossing another’s salad i noticed that there were ‘things’ all over her ‘cooch.’ it wasn’t so bad that it kept me from munching on it. i mean, it still looked pretty good. also, most of the sores were around her clitoris and i never touch a girl’s clitoris. with all of those nerve endings? i’m sorry, but that’s kinda’ gross.
so anyway, i had four fingers in her ass. there was ass-grease everywhere. in the confusion i ’slid’ and accidentally touched some sores, first with my tongue, then twice with my penis, then with my tongue a couple more times, then twice with my foot, and then once more with my penis. all by accident. i didn’t sweat it though because i remembered that everything that happens in vegas stays in vegas.
i mean that’s why i went to vegas, so that everything would stay there. i had no idea that it wasn’t an all-comprehensive ‘everything.’ i think someone may be getting sued…
poopie-cock(ed) and poopie loaded
December 1, 2007
after much pleading from my boyfriend, i have finally agreed to take a dildo to his ass and work him over like the little sissy that he is. to my horror, he came home yesterday, after stopping by ‘good vibrations’ on polk st, with a strap-on face dildo. i’m nervous to say the least. what are the chances of me getting a face full of one of his incredibly foul-smelling fecal bouquets?
i’d say pretty good. i suggest brewing a pot of coffee just beforehand. also, make sure he approaches you from a squatting position. in my experience this ‘1-2 punch’ works like a charm. be sure to keep your mouth closed, at-least at first…
fortunately, the design of the face dildo should prevent any feces from actually getting into your eyes. feces is no friend to eyes, nor is it a friend to fingernails. and actually it’s not really a friend to nose hairs either. i mean, really, i heard that feces was talkin’ shit about pretty much everybody. talk about a two-faced cunt. that bitch. she’s nobody’s friend. she can’t be trusted!! i can’t believe the way she treats people!!! that dumb fucking bitch!!! i’m gonna’ kick her fucking-
[editor's note: livinlargeinsf apologizes for dr. leon's outburst. he will be taking some needed time off while he is kept for observation by 'the nice men in white coats.' accordingly, we shall include an excerpt from a scrapped unpublished episode in order to substitute for this one. sorry it couldn't be funnier. but you probably wouldn't have 'gotten' it anyway. you're so fucking stupid. look at how stupid you are. you dumbasses! you all think you're so fucking smart!! do you know the pressure i'm under!?! you fucking morons!! you don't know what it's like to be me!!! i'm going to kick you're pussified, pieces of shi-]
{asst. editor’s note: unfortunately, marty macandarandy, our fearless editor-in-chief, has been placed on administrative leave, indefinitely. we apologize for any inconvenience or problems these outbursts may have caused. } now, back to dr. leon…
i was the unfortunate victim of ‘poopie-cock.’ it was the first (and probably last) time i’ve gone, as you say, ’spillunking.’ is there always excrement involved? how do gay men handle the possible problem of poo?
since kids have picked their noses, man has wondered just how many times he can go spillunking, indiscriminately, before he will wear his fecal badge of honor. i’d say the average is about 7.
utilization of a bowel cleansing enema is a gay man’s weapon in creating an ass cavern worthy of hosting such gala events as the ‘i’m now going to plow your bung’ olympics or the annual ’anal creampie ball.’ a colonic martini anyone? btw, that was super alliteration to close your question. well done.
dr. leon rosenozzi is a renowned psychologist and sexologist who is always on the cutting edge of stuff to do with psychology and sexology. his unique perspective is featured weekly in livinlargeinsf with sf-at-large with dr. leon where he fields questions from people he stops on the street. we look forward to his forthcoming video interviews!!!!!!
sure, i’ll have sex with you, but only once
November 28, 2007
” i’ve never seen an ugly pussy.”
i wish i could claim responsibility for the preceeding quote but i can’t. it was uttered by a friend of mine and he is, surely, wise beyond his years. it does echo a personal sentiment though, and that is i can literally find something attractive about almost any woman. ok, i mean something other than her pussy.
yes, you heard me - any woman.
whether it’s her hair, or her eyes, or her feet, or her chest weights, or simply her pulse, i can get hard by almost any babe. does this mean then, by way of the transitive property, that i would also have sex with almost any babe?
that’s exactlty what it means.
but, there is a catch. i may want to have sex with every chick out there, but for the vast majority of babes, or 99.9% of them, my curiosity will magically disappear as soon as the first drops of semen touch air. actually, before the last remnants of ejaculate are fully milked from my quivering penis, i will be looking for my pants, looking for the door, and making my exit.
in fact, if i have sex with you more than once then i must think you’re pretty ’special.’ don’t worry. by ’special’ i’m not inferring that i would think you were retarded, although i probably could get wood even from a retarded babe, particularly if she had a body part i could zero in on, like a really nice ass. i would never allow an extra chromosome to stand in the way of my ‘dispersal.’
hey baby. there’s no need to make me breakfast. i need to be on my way.
i have A-LOT of seed to spread…
oh, carmella - show us your tits
November 25, 2007
i could easily fill 35 wheelbarrows with all of the ’spunk’ i have emitted while fantasizing about carmella bing. i could also probably populate a small third-world country with whatever sperm was left over. she’s my ‘go-to’ and i have ‘gone’ to her more times than any other babe, ever. my prostate has pictures of her up on its bedroom walls.
she’s 26 years old. she’s from vegas. she is completely unafraid to get down and dirty. i believe these are the qualities which make true love everlasting. group, girls, anal, it doesn’t matter. she’s down for whatever, whenever, with whomever.
she works a lot and is all over the internet. a ‘big boobs’ website without carmella is like a shoe without stink or an ass without a hole. or was that an ass without stink and a shoe without a hole? well, either way, she’s got great tits.
a double shot of ass
November 20, 2007
anal warts. what are they and how do i get them, …er, i mean, get rid of them.
great question. anal warts occur as the direct result of what we doctors refer to as ‘homo’ thoughts. their numbers may also be reduced dramatically if pants are worn. when i began regularly wearing pants and stopped imagining myself as a towel boy in the grecian baths, my warts disappeared. of course, i now have them on my penis, but as far as my anal warts, those have all vanished.
my girlfriend really likes to be spanked. in fact, spanking is the only way she becomes aroused. i’m worried. can you explain this masochistic behavior?
your girlfriend is what we in the medical profession refer to as a ‘crazy bitch.’ my suggestion is to encourage her to seek career opportunities in exotic dancing where she can profit from her obvious father/sexual abuse issues while utilizing a front for dealing cocaine to her ‘clients.’ good luck!!!
dr. leon rosenozzi will have a new weekly feature in livinlargeinsf with ’sf-at-large with dr. leon’ as the good doctor answers candid questions from (really) random people on the street.
the twister invitational
November 19, 2007
last weekend san francisco played host to the 1st annual twister invitational.
sure to become a national media spectacle, the twister invitational went off this year without a hitch. 48 teams came from around the world to compete for $100,000 in cash and prizes and for the illustrious crown of twister world champion.
pictured are hometown favorites and the eventual champs, rodd and todd adonis. they are known for their ’slipperiness,’ as well as for their ‘reach.’ their true advantage is that they haven’t changed, let alone cleaned, their pleather pants since a sweaty ricky martin rubbed up against them during his incredible she bangs tour.
i lost to them in the first round. they methodically and systematically break their opponents down with the ever sweet smell of ten year old ball cheese. i can still smell it. yack…
‘ r ‘ you horny?
November 19, 2007
r bar.
there is no bar in san francisco where i am more likely to be swimming in ’ass’ than r bar. let me say that again with special emphasis…
there is absolutely, no bar in san francisco where i am more likely to encounter girls intent on further tarnishing their surely, already questionable reputations, than (the) r bar. consider it a late night, all-you-can-eat, carnal buffet where if you don’t like something on your plate, just try something else. it’s that easy.
it’s like this for me even when there are only 2 girls in the place, along with twenty dudes, which, unfortunately, happens all too often. don’t worry. when it’s busy there’s plenty of food for everybody.
if i were trying to get my rocks off with marginally attractive girls who are willing to ‘throw down,’ i’d be in there 4x a week. fortunately, i am picking and choosing my ‘victims’ very carefully these days. i only even go in there because i’m friends with one of the bartenders, and the two owners, who occasionally work as well, are super cool dudes.
r bar has a wool pull factor of………………..8.5 why so low considering my rave review? due to the often insurmountable guy to girl ratio i am forced to make a deduction. also, a score of ten is reserved for an idealized state for whose existence in reality is a stretch, a la ‘heaven.’
pictured are vanessa and jessica, two of the coolest babes i’ve met, ever. they didn’t even mind my sweaty face. they DO NOT hang out at r bar so take those nasty thoughts out of your heads immediately. these are the kinds of babes we should all be so lucky as to impregnate. i just wanted to give them props….
a blowjob? i’ll make the sacrifice
November 18, 2007
i am such a nice guy.
seriously. i mean, i can think of more than a few times where i have literally allowed some babe to blow me just because i was too nice to say no. i knew she had her heart set on it and i hate to disappoint. who am i to dash her hopes and dreams?
i am just a man, and a simple one at that.
i also have allowed a babe or two to ride me just because they bought me a drink and gave me a ride…home, that is. the sacrifices i make for others - inspirational to say the least.
as unbelievable as it is, i have even gone as far as to allow a few of these young lovelies to swallow every ounce of my manseed while cupping my testicles with their seemingly tiny, manicured hands. i am a martyr for a generation. let my light be an example of what selfless living can do.
amen.
it’s my catholic upbringing. those years as an altar boy taught me not only how to chug holy wine but also how to hand myself over selflessly to another.
i am and shall continue to be a man for others…incredible.
