masturbation as practice
February 8, 2008
i realize that i often write of masturbation and my fondness for it. it certainly has been there, like a trusted friend, through some extremely difficult times and over some even longer dry spells. i make no claims to have the virility of an 18 year old but, with that being said, if i am attracted to you and we have the good fortune of engaging in relations i will absolutely rock your world. yes, i am nothing…if not a giver.
and believe me. i have extremely high expectations for myself. every time i step foot into ‘the ring of love’ i want to give the particular girl the most pleasure i can, the most she’s ever had. the last thing i want is to meet some babe i really like, get naked, and then promptly go up in flames by having lost my touch, or my control, as it were. the last thing i want is to go out like a chump.
therefore, i need to be ready for game day. how do i prepare for game day? by repeatedly bringing myself to the edge of climax during regular fondling sessions. when i’m feeling particularly masochistic i’ll take myself to the brink over and over again, only to then not even allow myself a payoff. consider that a small example of mental discipline which can then start snowballing and affecting all areas of one’s life. it all starts with one step.
it’s simply mind over matter. this is the only thing that separates us from the mice. well that, oral sex, taxes, and general food-safety guidelines.
i allowed some homeless babe to blow me
February 7, 2008
now, i absolutely love san francisco, even with all of the homeless people swarming around me like gnats. if only they were even more like gnats. gnats generally don’t smell like shit…
my unfortunate catholic upbringing has taught me to atleast try to be nice to everyone. this includes the homeless. i reserve judgement on others as a general rule as well. you just really never have any idea through what someone has been. ‘until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes,’ as they say…
this certainly does not mean in any way, shape or form that i give change to panhandlers. in fact, i am much more likely to perform a rim-job on a homeless person than give them my spare change. that being said, on the ever so rare occasion that i do actually hand over change, it’s usually because that person is especially pathetic, like some dude with no legs and a hand growing out of his forehead, or something. hey, when i am alone i sometimes cry. i have feelings.
so anyway, i was walking towards home the other afternoon when this old babe with a walker stopped me and asked me for change so that she could procure a cup of coffee. a cup of coffee??? are you fucking kidding me??? i had to hand it to her though, she pretty much had the whole pathetic thing nailed down pat. she looked as though she had just been plucked from one of the many trailer parks in hell and dropped off in the middle of the tenderloin by a passing spaceship.
now, my normal reaction would be a simple “sorry,” or i’d flash a smile and just keep walking. it’s only when someone flags me down to ‘ask me a question,’ that i am ever rude. simply because the question is invariably “can you spare a dollar?” i mean, just stand there with a friggin’ cup like everybody else. don’t waste my time having me think that you’re asking me for directions or some shit.
so as a reflex action i muttered an “i’m sorry,” to the old trailer park babe. i walked maybe three more steps and then was hit with the realization of how much it must really suck to be her. yes, a few moments of clarity. i ended up not only giving her all my change but i also invited her back to my place for a few drinks. after an impromptu massage, i allowed her to blow me.
never, ever accuse me of not doing my part to help the homeless…
‘this girl is too hot for porn’ put on indefinite hiatus
February 4, 2008
alright. after looking at the picture of lanny barby accompanying my last blog entry, repeatedly, me officially thinks she’s butt-fucking ugly. have you ever seen butt-fucking? it is anything but pretty…
but really, she’s not that bad but what drew me to her was her body not her face, and her body doesn’t even really do it for me in that particular pic.
yes, my opinion has been swayed. but, not really. see, the selection process was becoming more and more difficult to begin with, due to the simple fact there is no inventory. yes, i spent more time than i’d like to admit, on more than one occasion, scouring porn sites looking for someone, anyone, that i thought was HOT.
there was one girl who provided me with multiple-session masturbatory fodder one evening. i could not, for the life of me, find out her name. then there were also a couple of random babes on mike in brazil. brazillian women in general, i’ve found, are smoking…
and i’m not saying there aren’t a ton of girls in porn with whom i’d regularly engage in coitus. believe me. i am simply saying that there are girls who are HOT and then there are girls who are PORN-HOT. yes, the two terms are related but they could easily have sex with each other and not worry about having retarded children with three arms…
so that’s it. well, atleast until i come across some babe who is just smoking enough to inspire me to resurrect the incredible celebratory extravaganza that is, or rather was, ‘this girl is too hot for porn.’ smell ya’ later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah, but i never wanted to bang barbie
February 1, 2008
lanny barby on the other hand, oh, the things i would do to her bung. repeatedly.
i love brunettes and she is certainly a brunette, even the villi deep within the recesses of her anal cavity attest to this. and yes, i believe i’ve actually seen them with my very own eyes during one of the many times she’s been spread open for the camera. sometimes it’s a fine line between arousal and nausea…
she’s a fellow virgo from montreal and was penthouse pet for the month of june 2003. as a finalist for the 2006 FAME award for best anal starlet as well as best body, you are pretty much guaranteed mountains of masturbation fodder from any of her clips. body…ass. ass…body. wow. strap on the mountain climbing equipment and get at it boys!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
she’s married to julian (mr. big dick’s hot chicks himself) and is a vivid contract girl. she likes needlepoint, cooking, and having her rectum stretched to epic, stomach-turning proportions while singing oh canada!
this isn’t the greatest picture of her, admittedly. now that i actually have some people reading this i gotta’ watch that copyright thang.
besides, the best pic of her would include her getting steamrolled. for that, check out the free porn thumbs on my site or check out her website. man, ya’ gotta’ love those canucks.
this underwear stuff is friggin’ great
January 30, 2008
let us revisit a topic i have touched upon once or twice…
underwear and my lack of any.
no longer. i have seized the dawning of the new year as an opportunity to raise the old ‘bar’ a few notches, so to speak. i have been eating a prostate-loving diet rich in fruits and vegetables. i have been working out religiously. i have been focusing a lot more attention on the two cornerstones of success - organization and preparation.
now, part of being organized and prepared is wearing clean clothes. that being said, i wear the same pair of jeans every friggin’ day. i am not exaggerating. if you see me wearing jeans (which is almost every day) they are the same pair i wore yesterday and the same pair i’m going to wear tomorrow. it will be this way until i have someone literally take me by the hand and force me to go shopping (ladies???)
let’s face it. clean clothes rock. ball cheese does not. granted, it has taken awhile, but i finally understand the purpose of underwear…
yippee!!!!!!
ladies & gentlemen, i do declare under possible penalty of perjury, there are absolutely no more urine dribbles on my jeans from lackluster shaking. there’s no longer any need to be concerned with the effects of all those wet farts. yes, you may proceed with only minor caution.
i mean, i have been wearing the same pair of underwear for three days in a row now, but who’s counting. hey, they were $30 bucks a pair holmes and that shit don’t grow on trees, bitch.
my coming-out party
January 15, 2008
i am able to think of no better time than now to officially come out of the closet…
yes. it’s true. i can’t hide anymore. i need to come clean. it truly has been an unbearable load to carry.
no longer. exhale…
i am able to finally stand tall and declare that i have a (drumroll please)…………fetish for feet.
don’t be weirded out. you can still wear your open-toed shoes around me. i promise you i won’t take any mental snapshots of your tootsies when you’re not looking. i’m not creepy. and i definitely won’t conjure the image later with them thar’ toes spending quality time with my erect penis. that would just be weird. well, i guess maybe that could happen if you have really exceptional feet and you’re a good sport. and it is, of course, assumed that they will be in really nice shoes. i am very particular about shoes…
damn. that was homolicious…
with ’less than hot’ babes, i’ve found that a really nice pair of feet can most definitely help their cause to get laid, but, let’s be honest. pretty feet can only compensate for so much. if i can pair a nice set of feet with another top-notch body part then we may have something with which i can work…
with hot chicks i am always completely horrified and incredibly disappointed whenever i discover that their feet are less than flawless. it’s sad when i’m not as aroused by some babe as i could be. but let’s think about happy thoughts…
like this one particularly sexy girl with whom i engaged in a one-night stand. i met her after the last time i trimmed my pubic hair, at the lush lounge (which by the way has a current wool pull factor of 7.5.) she had the softest skin ever felt by a human hand. she had a beautiful tattoo on the side of her torso. she was hottt(with atleast three t’s beeatch!!!) she even had a great tasting vagina. it reminded me of this particular ’05 burgandy i sampled at a recent dinner - it smelled a little funky at first but once it had a chance to open up a little, it was delicious…
unfortunately, along with the skin, face, tattoo, burgundian vagina, and kick-ass style, she also had a prehensile finger toe…
you know, a finger toe. that’s when the second toe is atleast a ‘good’ knuckle longer than the big toe. i mean, she could climb trees with those friggin’ things. as if that wasn’t bad enough, she also chose to wear a ring upon her right finger toe. her toe was about four inches long. the ring made it look about four feet long. i couldn’t recover. fortunately, i have been dabbling in meditation which enabled me to maintain my focus and my erection just long enough to ejaculate.
thank goodness…
maybe my pubic ‘fro has had something to do with it
January 14, 2008
in the words of ice cube - ‘today was a good day.’
it was beautiful outside. i went on an incredible jog where i kicked the shit out of multiple behemoth hills. i listened to good tunes. i got some work done. i played the guitar. i trimmed my pubic hair…
yes. believe me when i say it was way past due. it makes sense though because, as far as babes go, i pretty much have been in hibernation. keeping my long and curlies short has not been, even on the long list of priorities. i have made attempts to come out into the dating world. these have been an exercise in futility for i invariably get shafted. well, you know what? winter is over early this year beeatch. what better way to mark the change of seasons than to shave down my penis muffler???
my heart obviously wasn’t really into my earlier attempts at dating. i mean, who in their right mind is going to leave the house with their very own wooly mammoth in their pants? there’s a reason they’ve been extinct for more than just a few millenniums. talk about making a first impression a last impression…
but no longer. i am hairless and ready to party baby. now, if i can just do something about that back hair…
i can’t believe she just farted
January 10, 2008
picture me sitting at a bar drinking a beer. not hard to do. particularly with a hot blond sitting beside me. she had a body straight out of my wildest fantasies. she had a vocabulary which rivaled mine. to quote one of my most respected luminaries, paris hilton,…’that’s hot. ’
we were having a great conversation. i was not leaving any question as to the fact that i wanted to do unspeakable things to her bung. well, actually, i was a little more discreet than that. just a little, though.
hearing her tell stories of her lesbian dalliances made my swollen member press further and further into the fabric of my trousers. then, unexpectedly and unbelievably, fabio, of all people, came into the cafe where i was sitting to buy a macchiato. now, i fucking love fabio. so, of course, i went up to him with the intent of securing his autograph. i mean, that shit will be worth a fortune one day…
so with autograph in tow i went back to the hot, loquacious babe with the hooters. we picked-up where we had left off. this continued for awhile. now, keep in mind i was sitting all the way at the end of the bar. there was no one else around me besides this babe. she turned to her right to speak to the douchebag to her right. suddenly i caught whiff of something peculiar. jeez, what is that?
it ever so gradually intensified in its olfactory assault. i scanned my immediate area just to ensure a homeless person hadn’t defecated on my shoe when i wasn’t looking. the smell continued to grow. what the fuck is that?
i can, on occasion, be a little slow on the draw. particularly when i have almost been rendered unconscious by the smell of ass. all fingers were pointing to this babe’s rear end as the culprit of this most offensive of smells. i reluctantly accepted the reality of the situation. then something happened…
instead of being repulsed i felt that old familiar tingle. was i actually becoming aroused by the smell of her flatulance? ‘please god,’ i thought…’please tell me i’m not becoming aroused by the smell and thought of this girl farting…’
like i need any more sex-related issues, right? but see, i don’t know now. the thought really doesn’t do it for me anymore…
i think it must have just been those friggin’ tits. i mean, goddamn. they were phenomenal…
myspace - most girls still suck, just like in person
January 10, 2008
ok. maybe i am a misogynist.
naahhhh. i make big joke. you no laugh (you’re supposed to say that as tonto would:)
but, in all fairness, i don’t know what it is. maybe it’s because when you haven’t actually met someone in person there’s no sense of it being real??? and people don’t feel the need to be real??? personally, that mentality just doesn’t do it for me.
i have atleast a thousand better things to think and worry about than something as trivial as ‘myspace dating’ but let’s talk about it for just a second…
myspace is one huge meat market.
i had never even been on myspace before i started writing this thing (meaning my blog.) i thought it would be a good way to steer traffic towards it. i had no idea i was going to be bombarded by single women…
believe me, i’m not complaining. as a single man, i love single women. it’s good to know that there are throngs of horny, single babes out there. what i need to keep in mind though is that all of the same hurdles and roadblocks one encounters in the real world also transfer to the cyber-world. what the fuck???
i was stood-up last night…
this very cute girl contacted me. we exchanged a few emails. she befriended me (on myspace) and we’ve now been, somewhat sporadically, writing each other back and forth for over a month. i have never met her. even so, she invited me over to her house for dinner last night. i was more than a little surprised. she told me she’d call. i told her i’d be waiting by the phone. obviously i was not, which is a good thing because she never called. i woke up this morning to an email from her saying she was sorry but blah, blah, blah…
unless there was physical injury or death, i don’t care what ‘came up.’
all of you big ball swingers out there need to remember…no phone call, no thanks. it doesn’t matter how hot the particular girl is. there’s a cooler, hotter babe that will treat you with respect waiting around the next corner.
we have way too much self-respect to allow others to treat us without any…
new year’s eve under heavy gay artillery fire
January 3, 2008
in true livinlargeinsf style i rang the new year in at a tranny party. now, why on earth would i go somewhere with single, horny women when i can hang out with a bunch of horny chicks with dicks?
i’m kidding. what do you think i am, a freak? T-R-A-N-N-Y as in transvestite, not transexual.
because i’m cooler than even i give myself credit, i had numerous options for new year’s. during the selection process one particular party seemed to keep popping up more than the others. i took stock of the selection criteria. friends were going? check. there’d be hot chicks? check. it wasn’t crazy expensive? check. sure, we’ll take a limo there but after i get shitfaced, spend all of my money on illicit drugs and lose my friends in the confusion , i’ll be able to walk home? check.
i was still undecided. my buddy then ’pulled at my penis-strings,’ if you will. he brought to my attention how, with all of the gay men that would be at this party, there would be very few straight guys with whom i would need to compete. hmm. that could be interesting. you mean to tell me i’d be one of the very few straight dudes to reap the new year’s eve ‘goodie-bag,’ so to speak? that’s all i needed to hear. i was certain this year’s goodie-bag would include, at the the very least, some heavy face sucking and some even heavier petting, maybe i’d even get to rub my special purpose on some babe while dancing. niiiice.
unfortunately, my bag was filled simply with the smell of farts.
now, i know what some of you are thinking. you’ve already suspected me of playing for both teams and this is the final nail-in-the-coffin. think what you may…
so anyway, i decided on the tranny party. there were, in total, 7 girls in the entire place. this included the two lesbians with whom i went and the two female bartenders. ouch. all of my gay friends pull wool. what happened? oh, well. that’s cool, i thought. i don’t always have to have babes around me…
the above picture was taken as i was scanning the crowd during the ball-drop(mine were still in my stomach,) my only respite from the heavy artillery fire which had been blanketing me. i was looking for the bald guy with whom i’d been dancing. uh, what? or the other dude that rubbed up against me. or that one guy that grabbed me. then there was that other guy who cornered me. or the guy from the bathroom who had an eye twitch which forced him to look down and to the left. unfortunately that’s also where my penis was located while standing at the urinal, peeing. then, of course, there was that gentleman who bought me the drink.
now, that was actually pretty cool…
it’s comforting to know that if i should ever begin pirating for butt, i’ll reap much booty. happy new year.
