livinlargeinsf

i may be a bad-ass but i am certainly no criminal.  that being said,  shit happens.  for one reason or another,  a lot of us will end up in the clink.  maybe it’ll be a dui,  maybe it’ll be for possessing 800lbs. of a controlled substance. in any event  hopefully the situation can be remedied with one phone call,  a subsequent bail payment and…voila.

sometimes it’s not that easy.  these are the times to which i refer now…

if you are ever in the most unfortunate of circumstances and forced to share a jail cell with another individual,  the most valuable advice i may impart upon you is to remind you of the courtesy flush… 

you know,  the courtesy flush.  the practice whereby the acute synchronization of your torpedoeing turd’s water entry with your toilet handle pull,  or in this case button push,  can severely limit the exposure of all surrounding entities to noxious fecal fumes.  it is done,  of course,  as a courtesy.  if you don’t hold doors open for others,  or don’t say thank you when someone does for you,  i can’t necessarily imagine you employing the courtesy flush out of respect for your fellow man or woman.  in this case do it for your own benefit.

there are times when this is more important than others.  in my high school locker room after lacrosse practice for example,  it was only marginally important.  freshman year in the college dorms when other people would be taking showers it was a little more important.  in my apartment when some babe is over,  it is most definitely important.  when you are in a jail cell with someone who actually deserves to be there it is of the utmost importance.  i repeat.  at the risk of sounding vulgar -when you are in the ‘clink’ start flushing as soon as the shit start hanging… 

one must consider the less than spacious accomodations when pondering this.  in a jail cell the toilet is literally 12 inches from the lower bunk.  have you ever been awoken by the sound/smell/horror of someone moving their bowels right next to your head at 4 in the morning?  it is anything but pleasant.  the last thing you as a happy, healthy bunkmate want to do is piss-off anyone with whom you are sharing an incredibly small space,  especially when that person could most likely hurt you,  like maybe when you’re asleep?  

and even if your head isn’t right next to the toilet it can’t really be more than five feet in any direction from the toilet due to the fact that you are in one tiny little fucking room.  all either of you have been eating is peanut butter sandwiches along with the three cookies you also receive at every meal.  have you ever smelled what this diet does to the smell of turds? 

i hope you never have to…