livinlargeinsf

warning…warning…warning…what you are about to read is not for the faint of heart.  it is extremely sexually explicit.  if you are easily offended (you probably shouldn’t be on this site) then this will most certainly offend you.  don’t say i didn’t tell you so…

i feel better now that i got that out of the way.  students,  when i say that i don’t want you to have to experience the pain, the hardship,  or the grief which i have endured,  this lesson is a case in point.  so pay attention,  take notes,  do whatever you need to do to ensure this does not happen to you.

i have had three long term girlfriends thus far in my life for a combined total of 11 years of which i think 9 of those were spent scoping out everything which walked by me in a skirt.  when people have been dating for a while things tend to lean towards booorrriiinnnggg. so in order to spice it up you try some different stuff.  role-play,  threesomes (yeah , right),  anal sex,  different positi-  

“whoa!!!!!!! hold on a minute,” you say. “what was that last one?”

different positions? i ask. 

 “no, no, the one before different positions,  uh, what was it?” 

role-play?

“no, no” 

oh,  you mean anal sex?

BINGO.

we all know what lurks a mere inch or so away from the holy grail of orifices.  yes.  you guessed it - the anal opening.  there are generally three different attitudes which one can bring to the table when presented with ass.  you can pretend it’s not there - ” i don’t see you or smell you.” you can awkwardly ’shove’ a pinkey in there  while ‘finger-blasting’ her vagina to ’shock her,’  only to have her recoil in horror w/a stern warning of  “don’t do that again.”  or,  if you are like most dirtbags  i know you can hold your nose and give it all the love it deserves.

so there’s a three-pronged fork in the road.  which way do you go?   this,  as you probably can imagine,  is much more complicated than it appears at first glance.  first of all,  many women really enjoy ass-play.  i have placed inanimate objects in a couple of asses in my day and the girls got off more than i knew possible.  but most girls are too self-conscious and i can dig that.  i remember one time when a girl i wasn’t even dating threw my leg over her shoulder and went where the sun don’t shine.  i was definitely uneasy,  particularly because my rear end closely resembles that belonging to bigfoot.  i made it through unscathed and i successfully dodged an attempt to kiss.  i’m sorry but just because you want to taste my ass doesn’t mean i want to.  i guess women must feel the same way. 

for me the road traveled is directly proportionate to how attractive the girl is,  or rather how attracted i am to her.  that of course is a general rule,  special exceptions are made in relationship to bathroom habits.  if i’m with a super hot chick and she spends 45 minutes in the bathroom all the while complaining of an upset stomach i am probably not going anywhere below the belt.  there is a special exception as well when drugs and alcohol are involved.  i know this guy who has eaten the asses of some pretty rank girls simply because he was under the influence.

i mean i honestly never thought that girls even went to the bathroom.  then as i matured i realized that indeed a woman’s turd cutter does just that - it cuts turds,  but i still thought that they were exceptionally tiny little pellets which were both odorless and colorless and only emitted at the most, maybe twice a week… 

and then………….and then…….i can’t even think about the girl which is a shame because she’s a good soul.   it’s not her fault.  i mean,  it’s not as if she begged and pleaded for me to go there.  of course,  she didn’t stop me either……………i don’t even want to mention it but i have to just so that i may save others,………..and then……..

POOPIE-COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then two nights later….

POOPIE-FINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and then i learned my lesson. 

what lesson is that you ask?  knowledge is power.  all the spillunking expeditions i’d been on and it had never occurred to me that i might actually end up with some girl’s fecal matter all over my ‘john thomas.’  no more indiscriminate spillunking expeditions for this guy.  i have to really dig a girl to not mind having her shit all over me,  so now that’s my test.  if i have your shit all over me,  am i going to freak?  if the answer is yes then i probably shouldn’t have sex with the girl at all…ok, ok,  i just won’t put it in her ass.  you’d be amazed at how less appealing the whole idea has become.

don’t be a little bitch!!!