further pontifications on multiple masturbations
April 6, 2008
it’s no secret i masturbate. a lot. of course, as i get older it’s not so much because i walk around all day with a ‘woodrow’ as it is just simple maintenance. ya’ gotta’ keep the pipes clean. you owe it to your prostate to keep it pumping. at-least once a day if not three times. when you don’t feel like you have it in you simply picture your prostate shriveling up and blowing away in the wind while your semen dribbles out of your penis like drool from the mouth of a stroke victim. damn. that did it for me. i’m gonna’ go work one out. how about you?
so now that we have a why? we need a how? how? internet porn, you silly goose. we are visual animals. my imagination ain’t for shit. i need to see what’s going on. i need the light left on. i need porn.
and thank god for internet porn. gone are the days of having a pile of magazines that you don’t want anyone to see shoved in your bottom drawer or between your mattress and box-spring. gone are the days of wandering into the porn shop at 3am to pick up the latest issue of hairy lesbian grannies while hoping no one whom actually knows you sees you. oh wait, maybe that’s just me…
i don’t pay for sex, nor do i pay for internet porn. why pay for things you can get for free? there’s an ample supply of free shit on the web so i stick strictly to it. that being said, those free thumbnail sites are a landmine field for viruses…
and i’m not speaking of the kind which cause oozing pustules to form on the most sensitive parts of my most sensitive genitalia. i am refering to viruses of the computer sort, but really my life doesn’t have room for either. i had a girlfriend who was more than just a little like a monkey as she groomed me, searching for any sign of blackhead or pimple, anywhere on my body, just so she could squeeze the shit out of it. man, we were close. she could probably get into the oozing pustules. i have an ingrown hair right now on my ass for which she’d probably build an altar. sometimes i really miss her…
the best was when i would be doing my ‘bidness’ and my most recent ex would come home unexpectedly. there was at-least one time when she walked in on me with cock in hand, pants around ankles, saliva puddled at feet. no matter how innocently one masturbates the majority of girlfriends or wives are incapable of not finding this type of behavior incredibly offensive.
hey, i’m a guy. this is what i do whenever i have a little time to kill, a little time ALONE, or a high-speed internet connection…
masturbation as practice
February 8, 2008
i realize that i often write of masturbation and my fondness for it. it certainly has been there, like a trusted friend, through some extremely difficult times and over some even longer dry spells. i make no claims to have the virility of an 18 year old but, with that being said, if i am attracted to you and we have the good fortune of engaging in relations i will absolutely rock your world. yes, i am nothing…if not a giver.
and believe me. i have extremely high expectations for myself. every time i step foot into ‘the ring of love’ i want to give the particular girl the most pleasure i can, the most she’s ever had. the last thing i want is to meet some babe i really like, get naked, and then promptly go up in flames by having lost my touch, or my control, as it were. the last thing i want is to go out like a chump.
therefore, i need to be ready for game day. how do i prepare for game day? by repeatedly bringing myself to the edge of climax during regular fondling sessions. when i’m feeling particularly masochistic i’ll take myself to the brink over and over again, only to then not even allow myself a payoff. consider that a small example of mental discipline which can then start snowballing and affecting all areas of one’s life. it all starts with one step.
it’s simply mind over matter. this is the only thing that separates us from the mice. well that, oral sex, taxes, and general food-safety guidelines.
the virtuoso masturbator
December 22, 2007
i was a bad boy.
it was late. really late. i had been hanging out with these two friends of mine, both of whom are chicks. one of whom i’ve had the opportunity to nail more than a few times. i also have been the welcome recipient of a dozen or so of her glorious ‘oral servicings.’
this girl is a wild animal. she holds the distinction of being the only girl with whom i’ve been caught having sex in public and i’ve had alot of sex in public. we were on this little observation tower towards the ghirardelli square end of fisherman’s wharf. she was bent over. i was behind her. my tongue was visiting ‘rim-job city.’ it was pretty hard-core. i even played dentist and ‘filled her cavities’ in my back seat while some homeless dude watched. she said “let him watch.” i said “ooohhhhaaaahhhh,” as i blew. i’m sorry baby, but that was hottttt!!!
i have even seen this girl, with my very own eyes, suck a hairy midget thru a crazy straw. i know. i wouldn’t have believed it either…
the problem is that even with all of that, i just get tired of the same pussy. pussy’s like bread. it gets stale. who wants day old bread? the same people who want day old pussy, and they can have it. i don’t want that old, stale pussy. i needs me some new, fresh, different pussy. not necessarily better, not necessarily tighter, not even prettier or less hairy, just different. a wise man once said “show me a beautiful woman and i’ll show you a guy that’s tired of fucking her.”
no shit.
it was so late that night that we all just went to sleep. well, except for me. i was too busy lying on the floor with my laptop jerking off to porn. twice. nevermind, i had a willing and able partner five feet from me. i still preferred to masturbate in secret. twice. did i mention i masturbated twice?
let’s face it. it’s damn difficult to beat perfection. after so many years of jerking off i have perfected it, man. i am a virtuoso. i know exactly what to do. trial and error with an innumerable amount of repetitions over 20 years will surely lead one to mastery. and yes, i am, indeed, a master.
this inverse proportion between the number of times i have sex with a girl and that particular girl’s ability to compete with porn is why i am single and shall be FOREVER, which, by the way, is fine…by…me…
