wingmen and cockblockers - an in-depth analysis
April 2, 2008
i’m so glad i’m a dude. dudes stand by their boys. dudes spend all night talking to a fat girl just so that their buddy can hit on her hot friend. dudes will often even go as far as to make the ultimate sacrifice. yes, perish the thought, but a true friend and wingman will even get naked with a fatty if that is what needs to be done. one of the first great wingmen who really set the mold for the position was saint peter. why do you think jesus always hung out with him? because that fucking guy would do almost anything to get him laid. he’s now a saint. coincidence? i think not…
this mentality, as great as it is, is completely foreign to the female brain as i guess it should be. i realize you ladies have the ‘goods’ and you just can’t go around giving that shit away as a selfless gesture. even so, i’m amazed at how many girls don’t have their friends’ vaginal needs even remotely within the realm of consideration. vaginas, as i understand it anyway, have very real needs.
not that long ago i had two babes that were both all over me. they were ‘friends.’ i use the term loosely because if one of my friends started hitting on a girl on whom i had ‘dibs,’ i’d most likely have to kick his ass. not with these babes. it was a competition. of course, my first thought was that i’d finally be able to have my enormous balls held at the same time with two sets of hands. it takes at-least two sets of hands, if not three. i mean, those things are friggin’ huge…
so, i started cozying up to one of the two babes. i was trying to not commit to her though because i wanted to see if the double-team was still possible, but she was all over me. i mean, i actually thought she was going to start blowing me right there. the more i was macking on the one, the more the other one pulled back.
when it was clearly apparent that they weren’t a package deal i began focusing all of my attention on the one babe. after a little while the other one, whom by this time was looking super hot to me simply because i couldn’t have her anymore, wanted to leave. was her body that nice a half-hour ago? damn. anyway, she wasn’t getting any attention and like the self-esteem lacking attention-whore she was, she wanted to go home. what a friggin’ lame-o. i wouldn’t have cared had both babes not come together. now the chick that wanted to leave expected my babe to leave with her. couldn’t she just go dance on a table or something?
i just want to cuddle
March 25, 2008
while acting as a conduit for the benevolent spirit of charitable giving i decided to not only shell out the cash for a 3 1/2 star dinner for this little blonde babe i know, but i also decided to give her a back-rub and spoon her, all in a selfless attempt to fill the void left by her ex-boyfriend. i’m just glad i was there. i mean, if i hadn’t ‘worked out the kinks,’ so to speak, she may not have slept so soundly. life is stressful, particularly when your parents pay your rent, like hers do.
she made sure to tell me during the massage that she couldn’t believe she wasn’t turned on, that she was still too wrapped-up in her ex to feel horny for me. wow, what a relief. i’m just glad she felt this way before we engaged in anything she may have regretted later. regretful sex is no sex of which i want to be part, particularly when it involves an ex-stripper with enormous breasts.
fortunately for me, i had run into her the week before while walking past union square. she must have forgotten to mention she was fresh out of a relationship. i was just thankful she felt she could contact me when she was feeling lonely, post break-up. i mean, the first few times we hung out, which was almost five years ago, we immediately got down to business and never really had a chance to talk. i never even found out her favorite color. admittedly, the memories are a little fuzzy but i seem to recall that, like fred & ginger, peanut butter & jelly and kid n’ play, my fist and her rectum just went together. imagine my pleasure and surprise to find that in lieu of anal fisting we would finally be able to really get to know one another.
it was about time.
i’ve done a number of things with ex-strippers. engaging in conversation has never been one of them. man, i have really been missing out.
myspace - most girls still suck, just like in person
January 10, 2008
ok. maybe i am a misogynist.
naahhhh. i make big joke. you no laugh (you’re supposed to say that as tonto would:)
but, in all fairness, i don’t know what it is. maybe it’s because when you haven’t actually met someone in person there’s no sense of it being real??? and people don’t feel the need to be real??? personally, that mentality just doesn’t do it for me.
i have atleast a thousand better things to think and worry about than something as trivial as ‘myspace dating’ but let’s talk about it for just a second…
myspace is one huge meat market.
i had never even been on myspace before i started writing this thing (meaning my blog.) i thought it would be a good way to steer traffic towards it. i had no idea i was going to be bombarded by single women…
believe me, i’m not complaining. as a single man, i love single women. it’s good to know that there are throngs of horny, single babes out there. what i need to keep in mind though is that all of the same hurdles and roadblocks one encounters in the real world also transfer to the cyber-world. what the fuck???
i was stood-up last night…
this very cute girl contacted me. we exchanged a few emails. she befriended me (on myspace) and we’ve now been, somewhat sporadically, writing each other back and forth for over a month. i have never met her. even so, she invited me over to her house for dinner last night. i was more than a little surprised. she told me she’d call. i told her i’d be waiting by the phone. obviously i was not, which is a good thing because she never called. i woke up this morning to an email from her saying she was sorry but blah, blah, blah…
unless there was physical injury or death, i don’t care what ‘came up.’
all of you big ball swingers out there need to remember…no phone call, no thanks. it doesn’t matter how hot the particular girl is. there’s a cooler, hotter babe that will treat you with respect waiting around the next corner.
we have way too much self-respect to allow others to treat us without any…
no love for bitches
November 24, 2007
i don’t care how hot you are, i refuse to put up with bitches.
you know who you are. i’m onto you. in fact, i can see the signs from a mile away. the most overplayed, cliche-ed, person ever made. yeah, i’ve been played and flambeed and i have more than paid.
so, scram. get outta’ here. i don’t have time for lame-os. believe me. i have learned my lessons, some of them twice. last night was a case in point.
a little background…
i was incarcerated for four days in august. the particulars are unimportant. what is important, is that i am a bad, bad, dangerous man.
actually, the point is that when i was released, maybe the fifth thing i did was call this babe with whom i’d been regularly engaging in sweaty, bodily-fluid spraying, uninhibited coitus. i’d just spent way too long in the joint and i had a boner the size of one of those big-ass polish sausages, like an enormous bratwurst or something. i was literally driving to her house as i made the phone call. her response? “yeah, that’s great and all, but i’m really busy cleaning.” excuse me?
cleaning? that was enough for me. i wrote her off. she has continued to call on occasion which has been ok because she is definitely a character and makes me seem sane. she’s called me a few times for booty calls as well, and i have been ‘unavailable’…until last night.
i mean, she is hot and we always did have good sex. i was also feeling slightly vulnerable since this is my first holiday without my ex and my son. so, i went to her place.
things were going well enough, i suppose. i ‘exploded,’ so to speak, and, like 98% of all men, mt. st. helens and mt.vesuvius before that, after i have a major eruption i need to sleep, sometimes for a very long time. she tried to ‘revive’ me but at that point i preferred sleep. besides, she didn’t try hard enough.
NOTE TO ANY AND ALL WOMEN READERS: if you want your ‘man’ to salute you a second time and have him ‘finish what he started,’ then get off the bench and make it happen. smoke pole. you heard me. unless you have a goiter, you have absolutely no excuses. i told you not to move and that, if you did move, i was going to blow. you moved anyway. therefore, it’s all your fault i came in the first place. so, when you then complain and complain about me not being turned on enough to fuck you twice, well, you know what? you’re right. so, shut the fuck up and start doing something about it. a blowjob has NEVER not made me jump to attention.
so, back to the story…she woke me up at 4:11am out of a dead sleep because, according to her, i kept twitching and this was preventing her from sleeping. she then proceeded to let me know that my presence at her house was no longer welcome. she wanted me to leave. that bitch. i stood up, put on my clothes, and walked out without saying a word.
i had taken a taxi. she lives at the top of a hill to whose bottom i needed to walk. it was cold. she did not care.
had the situation been reversed, i would have sucked it up and been super tired and eaten a lot of turkey and drank a lot of wine and fallen asleep all ‘tryptophaned out.’ i would have never kicked someone out at 4am whom i had invited over in the first place to spend the night. i’m still scratching my head in disbelief. i sure know how to pick ‘em…
NOTE ADDED 11/25…let it be known as well that i was and am no two pump chump. i pleasured her for two hours prior. i am HUGE on foreplay, et. al. like most things, i’m great at that too.
