summer ‘08 - the summer of vagina
September 19, 2008
apparently i took the summer off from ‘blogging.’ it certainly wasn’t planned. i honestly had no idea i would have so many enthusiastic attendees at my 1st annual ‘mid-summer’s night scrotal-sack delight’ party. it was all more than just a little overwhelming…
well, the last party-goer has just left the building and as i sit here adrift in a sea of party favors and bodily fluids i’m feeling more than a little chafed and drained. my last entry seemed to surreptitiously open the flood gates with a torrential flow of babes never before seen springing forth from atop the aptly named mt. vagina.
yes, i have indeed been awash in vagina. black vagina, red vagina, yellow vagina, white vagina…there may have even been a blue vagina in there somewhere (although it breaks my heart to think there’s a sad vagina out there…) yes, we’re talking about TONS of vagina.
after i gorge myself on vagina i generally like to spend the following few days in reflection so that i may ‘digest’ anything i may have learned about vagina, as well as any stray pubic hairs i may have inadvertently swallowed. my reflection period is over and i have made some striking realizations. for one, i am particularly fond of young vagina. twenty or twenty-one? that’s a tough choice but either one is perfect. why? well, i find that often these vaginas are attached to bodies which are not only as fit as mine but which also have had few, if any, incidents of genital contact with gentlemen, like myself, who ‘pound ‘dat pussy goood.’ also, like-mindedly, these vaginas are often located next to ass-caverns which have yet to be tainted by the hand of man. ok, well, maybe some dude’s pinky-finger but chances are they have yet to be filled with penis. this is, of course, where i come in.
i also have made the realization that i am quite fond of having multiple vaginas at the same time. imagine that. yes, you can have too much of certain good things. vagina is not one of these things. when entertaining multiple vaginas i make it my mission to not let any one vagina feel left out. it takes a lot of work but i affectionately refer to it as ’summoning my inner-octopus.’
my third realization is one which i have made before but it’s always nice to remember again. yes, i am one incredibly lucky bastard who would certainly burn in hell were i not an atheist who doesn’t believe in such things.
viva la vagina!!!!!!!
it’s just like training a monkey
March 28, 2008
i know of what i speak. i have volumes and volumes of experience with women. i have been in the trenches. i have taken bullets. in fact, i currently still have shrapnel lodged in my right testicle.
all i can do is put this shit out there. i can’t force you to listen. and even if you do listen, i can’t force you to put any of it into practice. that is completely your own prerogative…
that being said, i’m no pick-up artist and i’m not trying to be. i am no poser. this isn’t a competition. it’s simply about giving yourself the most opportunity to make a connection. it’s way too easy for a girl to shoot you down. don’t give her obvious reasons to. also, you can’t force chemistry. it’s either there or it isn’t. take stock, be honest with yourself, cut your losses and move on if that’s what needs to be done. nothing is more pathetic than some dude who just doesn’t know when to quit. there will always be another girl. let me repeat. there will always be another girl.
i went out last night with a buddy of mine for a beer. simple enough. there were three girls in the joint which wasn’t so bad considering there were only four dudes. i just wanted to hang with my buddy though so i really didn’t give a rat’s ass either way. i like having pretty girls around me the same way i like to have pretty paintings on the wall. of course, i do have a penis and i’ll take those odds any day. i mean, come on, that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
so anyway, somehow the cutest girl in the bunch ended up sitting between me and my buddy. he was all over her. he must have told her how hot she was at-least fifteen times which is the cardinal sin of all cardinal sins for all of us big-ball swingers out there. he also kept putting his arm around her and making way too much physical contact for some girl he had just met. i was getting ready to lose my lunch all over him. if a girl touches you then that’s the signal to proceed. always assume you’re sitting at a red light until you receive a green.
what was i doing during all of this? i was dancing, not paying attention to the babe, and allowing my buddy the freedom to squander any opportunity he had. believe me. i am the best wingman ever. i will go down with the ship for one of my boys. i was pulling for him, but come on now, he was forgetting all about the basics…
to make an excruciatingly long story short, it was closing time and we all walked outside. i wanted to leave them together so i hugged the girl as a polite way of saying see ya’. she proceeded to turn her head and stick her tongue down my throat. i said whoa!!! and i pulled back out of surprise (sure, after about ten minutes.) my buddy, with his infinite lack of knowing when to say when, proceeded to hug her after i had while he then tried to stick his tongue down her throat. i could only stand there and shake my head in amazement. i’m seriously considering staging an intervention for him. this behavior absolutely cannot continue…
btw - this wasn’t supposed to be funny. i ’tagged’ it humor simply because i tag all of my shit humor. it was supposed to be educational. see the mistakes others make and don’t make them yourself. not doing that is pretty much the definition of being a little bitch.
my coming-out party
January 15, 2008
i am able to think of no better time than now to officially come out of the closet…
yes. it’s true. i can’t hide anymore. i need to come clean. it truly has been an unbearable load to carry.
no longer. exhale…
i am able to finally stand tall and declare that i have a (drumroll please)…………fetish for feet.
don’t be weirded out. you can still wear your open-toed shoes around me. i promise you i won’t take any mental snapshots of your tootsies when you’re not looking. i’m not creepy. and i definitely won’t conjure the image later with them thar’ toes spending quality time with my erect penis. that would just be weird. well, i guess maybe that could happen if you have really exceptional feet and you’re a good sport. and it is, of course, assumed that they will be in really nice shoes. i am very particular about shoes…
damn. that was homolicious…
with ’less than hot’ babes, i’ve found that a really nice pair of feet can most definitely help their cause to get laid, but, let’s be honest. pretty feet can only compensate for so much. if i can pair a nice set of feet with another top-notch body part then we may have something with which i can work…
with hot chicks i am always completely horrified and incredibly disappointed whenever i discover that their feet are less than flawless. it’s sad when i’m not as aroused by some babe as i could be. but let’s think about happy thoughts…
like this one particularly sexy girl with whom i engaged in a one-night stand. i met her after the last time i trimmed my pubic hair, at the lush lounge (which by the way has a current wool pull factor of 7.5.) she had the softest skin ever felt by a human hand. she had a beautiful tattoo on the side of her torso. she was hottt(with atleast three t’s beeatch!!!) she even had a great tasting vagina. it reminded me of this particular ’05 burgandy i sampled at a recent dinner - it smelled a little funky at first but once it had a chance to open up a little, it was delicious…
unfortunately, along with the skin, face, tattoo, burgundian vagina, and kick-ass style, she also had a prehensile finger toe…
you know, a finger toe. that’s when the second toe is atleast a ‘good’ knuckle longer than the big toe. i mean, she could climb trees with those friggin’ things. as if that wasn’t bad enough, she also chose to wear a ring upon her right finger toe. her toe was about four inches long. the ring made it look about four feet long. i couldn’t recover. fortunately, i have been dabbling in meditation which enabled me to maintain my focus and my erection just long enough to ejaculate.
thank goodness…
i can’t believe she just farted
January 10, 2008
picture me sitting at a bar drinking a beer. not hard to do. particularly with a hot blond sitting beside me. she had a body straight out of my wildest fantasies. she had a vocabulary which rivaled mine. to quote one of my most respected luminaries, paris hilton,…’that’s hot. ’
we were having a great conversation. i was not leaving any question as to the fact that i wanted to do unspeakable things to her bung. well, actually, i was a little more discreet than that. just a little, though.
hearing her tell stories of her lesbian dalliances made my swollen member press further and further into the fabric of my trousers. then, unexpectedly and unbelievably, fabio, of all people, came into the cafe where i was sitting to buy a macchiato. now, i fucking love fabio. so, of course, i went up to him with the intent of securing his autograph. i mean, that shit will be worth a fortune one day…
so with autograph in tow i went back to the hot, loquacious babe with the hooters. we picked-up where we had left off. this continued for awhile. now, keep in mind i was sitting all the way at the end of the bar. there was no one else around me besides this babe. she turned to her right to speak to the douchebag to her right. suddenly i caught whiff of something peculiar. jeez, what is that?
it ever so gradually intensified in its olfactory assault. i scanned my immediate area just to ensure a homeless person hadn’t defecated on my shoe when i wasn’t looking. the smell continued to grow. what the fuck is that?
i can, on occasion, be a little slow on the draw. particularly when i have almost been rendered unconscious by the smell of ass. all fingers were pointing to this babe’s rear end as the culprit of this most offensive of smells. i reluctantly accepted the reality of the situation. then something happened…
instead of being repulsed i felt that old familiar tingle. was i actually becoming aroused by the smell of her flatulance? ‘please god,’ i thought…’please tell me i’m not becoming aroused by the smell and thought of this girl farting…’
like i need any more sex-related issues, right? but see, i don’t know now. the thought really doesn’t do it for me anymore…
i think it must have just been those friggin’ tits. i mean, goddamn. they were phenomenal…
you want me to do what to your girlfriend?
January 2, 2008
i shall never understand the rationale behind wanting to see your babe get worked over by a stranger.
no, wait. that’s not true. i understand being turned on by the thought of it but i can’t see ever actually going through with it, atleast with anyone i even remotely cared about. i had a girlfriend for five years - senior year of high school through college. when she broke up with me the hottest thought i could conjure was her getting worked over by two huge black dudes. i can still see it now. they were anything but gentle. that is, honestly, the only time the thought of ’sharing’ has even remotely intrigued me. it just seems like a recipe for disaster.
that being said, i’m certainly not averse to the idea of being the stranger. he he he…
there have been three occasions where a random, or relatively random, couple has approached me with the proposition of banging the wife, or girlfriend, as it were. and no, these weren’t couples with a bi-curious male. these were simply couples that had a male who wanted to see, or atleast didn’t mind seeing, their girl get drilled by a young buck.
personally, i wouldn’t want me anywhere near my girlfriend, wife, significant other, aunt, grandmother, adopted half-sister, etc. but hey, if that’s what you’re into…
the first couple that propositioned me had a smoking hot girl so i felt somewhat obligated to screw the bejeesus out of her. and boy, did i. it was a little weird though because i sorta’ knew the guy. let’s just say that after he watched me, literally, turn his girlfriend inside out, our friendship never really had a chance to blossom.
the second couple picked me up at a bar. i was sitting next to the wife. the husband was sitting next to her. they bought me a drink. the wife was being incredibly flirtatious with me and it was making me more than a little uncomfortable. when she put her hand on my leg in open view of her husband, it all started to make sense.
fast forward one hour to their hotel room…
the husband was sitting at the window, staring out at the skyline. he seemed a little pissed-off but they kept re-assuring me that everything was cool. the wife, who was now wearing a little lacy thing, was spread-eagled on the bed. i wasted no time. i immediately became neck-deep in her crotch. hey, that’s why i was there, right?
as it turns out, the husband was upset because it was supposed to be his turn to defile their marriage. unfortunately he waited until i was performing cunnilingus on his wife to mention it. things then became weird. ok, i mean weirder than they had already been up to this point which, i realize, was almost off the charts. i was doing my best to stay focused on the job at hand which was, of course, munching box. it was difficult, as the husband was now hovering over us, telling his wife repeatedly how much of a selfish bitch she was.
as you may suspect, i have an incredibly high tolerance for weirdness. this was even too much for me. i told them i appreciated the opportunity and that given different circumstances, i’d be more than happy to bang the snot out of her. i excused myself.
after that experience the third couple that approached me didn’t stand much of a chance. the female would have had to have been a beauty queen for me to even consider the idea. needless to say, she was not…
i am the last person to judge anyone, ever. that being said, there are a lot of weird fucking people out there.
and yes, i realize i am one of them…
‘waking up with a boob in my face spells trouble’ and other tales of woe
December 26, 2007
unfortunately, all the catchy titles were taken…
well, i think i may be in love. and yes, i mean with someone other than myself.
it’s true. i know i’ve said it before but this is a girl to whom i’ve actually spoken and whose phone number i currently have in my possession. i’ve had a crush on her since i first met her, well over a year ago. i was with my ex/baby’s mama at the time so i didn’t think very much of it. then, about 16 seconds after separating from my ex i was sitting at this girl’s bar, hitting on her. yes. she is a bartender. to protect the innocent we shall refer to her moving forward as crystal, in a homage to a stripper i once knew who allowed me to stick my finger in her butt during a routine lap dance…
so, crystal and i were hitting it off. i’d spoken to her before but i was always with friends and she was always busy. not this time. she was feeding me shots. i was completely and utterly shitcanned.
enter fat friend. crystal’s fat friend. this girl, though really nice is, well, er, uh…fat. she is the absolute, complete, physical polar opposite to crystal. she swooped in with about 10 minutes to go, before we absolutely had to get the fuck out, so crystal could count her money. everyone else had already been kicked out. we left. the fat babe and i were both going in the same direction. she suggested we share a cab. she then invited me over to her place to smoke a joint. i agreed, with the intent of smoking and then walking home. instead, i smoked and then passed out. i awoke with that ‘where the fuck am i ?’ feeling. also, where were my pants?
i was staring at the ceiling. we hadn’t hooked up but i definitely think she had helped in the removal of my pants. hey, she wanted me to be comfortable. i can dig that. anyway, i was still staring at the ceiling in the hope that if i stared at it long enough i would somehow be transported somewhere, anywhere, but lying next to the fat babe, who, if i remembered correctly, wasn’t exactly a ’stunner.’
however, i do tend to be, strangely, incredibly horny whenever i wake up hung over…
i turned my head to the left. i coughed. i noticed something which looked like a nipple. hmm. i noticed it was attached to an enormous milky-white boob, or udder, as it were. i felt a strange twitch under the covers - my special purpose. i then took note of the sheer negligee framing the aforementioned milk dispensary. she was wearing negligee? when did that happen? i felt the need to investigate more closely. was i able to dispense any milk by applying suction to the milk dispensary cap? i had read about this once and needed to know more. i pulled aside the sheer negligee. i began applying suction.
next thing i know? i’m fucking the shit out of the fat babe.
damnit. i hate it when i do that. especially when it’s a fat girl who is friends with a girl with whom i actually wanted to have sex. oh, well. i did the obligatory ‘i’ll give you a call,’ and i got the hell outta’ dodge…
that night the fat babe left me a voicemail. she was out and about and was with crystal. ouch. i couldn’t even figure out how she’d gotten my number then i remembered i’d given her a business card. fuck. there goes my shot with crystal. or maybe not…
fast forward to this week. after staying away since that fateful night i went back this week, twice. as soon as i saw crystal, i was immediately, once again, completely smitten. after she started feeding me shots, i finally asked her for her number. score. i’ve already masturbated to the thought of her four times. too bad i’ll never call. i’m sure she could never live up to my fantasy…
casual encounters? my ass
December 24, 2007
in a livinlargeinsf exclusive report, it has been found that i have a better chance of having the cast of big wet black butts 3 show up unannounced at my apartment for an impromptu demonstration of the finer points of anal drilling than get any form of actual, human, heterosexual contact through craigslist’s casual encounters.
wow. now, that was a long sentence.
not that i actually would have gone through with it had i gotten any responses anyway, for i was more than a bit skeptical. it would have, of course, depended on the situation. in any event, it was kinda’ fun to throw my proverbial hat into the ring. after all, you gotta’ play to win, right? and i wasn’t even sending out pictures of my cock. i mean, that’s really not my style, especially since my email address is my name, which i thought was bad enough.
the price i pay for in-depth journalistic reporting…
maybe that was my problem - no cock shots. or maybe it’s just that i’m a little old-fashioned and i prefer to actually speak to my sex partners in person before i lock myself in.
no, it definitely wasn’t that last one…
or maybe because it’s all gay guys who get a kick out of getting straight guys to send them pictures of their dicks. no one wrote back requesting a pic of mine though, so i’m not so sure about that one…
what is lame is that out of all the ads to which i responded i only received one response. one. and even that was a link to some jackass’ website. it’s unfortunate that something as pure and sacred as a forum for vacuous, hedonistic philandering need be spoiled by a few…
of course steering these guys towards porn sites is one of the most poignant examples of the free enterprise system i can imagine. a sex-crazed lonely male is easy-pickens. don’t those leghumpers know getting laid is never this easy??????
and yes. that is a picture of two babes taking turns servicing me…
sure, i’ll have sex with you, but only once
November 28, 2007
” i’ve never seen an ugly pussy.”
i wish i could claim responsibility for the preceeding quote but i can’t. it was uttered by a friend of mine and he is, surely, wise beyond his years. it does echo a personal sentiment though, and that is i can literally find something attractive about almost any woman. ok, i mean something other than her pussy.
yes, you heard me - any woman.
whether it’s her hair, or her eyes, or her feet, or her chest weights, or simply her pulse, i can get hard by almost any babe. does this mean then, by way of the transitive property, that i would also have sex with almost any babe?
that’s exactlty what it means.
but, there is a catch. i may want to have sex with every chick out there, but for the vast majority of babes, or 99.9% of them, my curiosity will magically disappear as soon as the first drops of semen touch air. actually, before the last remnants of ejaculate are fully milked from my quivering penis, i will be looking for my pants, looking for the door, and making my exit.
in fact, if i have sex with you more than once then i must think you’re pretty ’special.’ don’t worry. by ’special’ i’m not inferring that i would think you were retarded, although i probably could get wood even from a retarded babe, particularly if she had a body part i could zero in on, like a really nice ass. i would never allow an extra chromosome to stand in the way of my ‘dispersal.’
hey baby. there’s no need to make me breakfast. i need to be on my way.
i have A-LOT of seed to spread…
a blowjob? i’ll make the sacrifice
November 18, 2007
i am such a nice guy.
seriously. i mean, i can think of more than a few times where i have literally allowed some babe to blow me just because i was too nice to say no. i knew she had her heart set on it and i hate to disappoint. who am i to dash her hopes and dreams?
i am just a man, and a simple one at that.
i also have allowed a babe or two to ride me just because they bought me a drink and gave me a ride…home, that is. the sacrifices i make for others - inspirational to say the least.
as unbelievable as it is, i have even gone as far as to allow a few of these young lovelies to swallow every ounce of my manseed while cupping my testicles with their seemingly tiny, manicured hands. i am a martyr for a generation. let my light be an example of what selfless living can do.
amen.
it’s my catholic upbringing. those years as an altar boy taught me not only how to chug holy wine but also how to hand myself over selflessly to another.
i am and shall continue to be a man for others…incredible.
boobs - a serious examination
November 14, 2007
what is it about boobs?
now, by boobs i am not speaking of those individuals also referred to as morons, dipshits, numbnuts, doufuses (or is it doufi?), imbeciles, ignoramouses, dumbasses, etc.
by boobs i am referring to tits, mammaries, udders, perkies, flotation devices, pillows, mosquito bites, glorious nipple-capped milk factories, droopy chest weights, the things that, hopefully, will take most of the extra weight when my chick gets fat, or one of the many other sophomoric terms one might apply to this most beloved body part.
the most obvious thing tits have going for them is their absolute representation of the purest form of sustenance. we may think of ourselves as being completely removed from the rest of the animal kingdom but the first thing all mammals do, humans included, is reach for the tit.
now, personally, i was never breast-fed. if i had been, i would logically link this to my own fascination with breasts. instead, the instinctual need has been left wanting and has, somehow, only increased in its intensity. i mean, i loves me some boobies. fake ones, real ones, round ones, it doesn’t matter how big, how small, whatever. my only request is that they are atleast somewhat aesthetically pleasing. also, i’m going to be spending some time on them, so if they’re sensitive to boot, that’s an inherent bonus.
there is an obvious appeal towards anything that is forbidden. even an ankle can be sexy if you’re not supposed to see it. this makes ’sense’ but while i am more than willing to rub my penis all over some hot babe’s bosom, i doubt i would ever want to rub it all over someone’s ankle, unless of course the ankle were slathered in dijon mustard.
that’s right. with clinical tests and in-the-field research to support his theory, dr. leon rosenozzi has made the incredible discovery that regular dijon mustard ’dippings’ will repel herpes and chlamydia and it will magically make prostitutes graciously return your money. if dr. leon says it, i’m liking my chances that it’s true. amazing.
now, i didn’t get my money back but dr. leon says it’s only because i used honey dijon. fortunately, he says my case of gonorrhea is relatively mild compared to some of the cases he’s seen in thailand. we look forward to his new weekly report in san francisco at large with dr. leon…
