the beauty of spring and our need to hump
May 6, 2008
yes, the title says it all. aah…spring.
forget christmas. forget the last day of school. forget the day i got those test results back from the free clinic. my favorite day of the year has to be that first warm, beautiful spring day when the sundresses come out and the inhibitions stay in. yes, it is mating time in the animal kingdom and with that comes not only cotton sundresses but also many swollen vaginas.
there isn’t much i like more than a nice, big, swollen vagina. of course, we’re not speaking of a vagina which is swollen due to hives or a case of the mumps, nor are we referring to one which is swollen due to it being punched or beaten. we are, in fact, referring to one which has increased blood flow due to the heightened sexual arousal experienced as a result of an increase in the levels of certain hormones. i really, really love whore-mones.
in other words, babes are super horny RIGHT NOW. whether it’s the red-breasted warbler, a baboon, or maxine in accounting, this is your best opportunity all year to get off the bench and get into the game for pretty much across the board the female species is looking to hump. particularly right out of the gates of the spring season is your best opportunity to engage in coitus with girls whom the rest of the year wouldn’t look at you twice. they’ve been cooped up all winter, have fresh waxings and are lookin’ to party. well what do you know? I’m actually holding a party in about five minutes under my scrotal sack. refreshments will be served and you are most certainly invited.
bring your friends and i’ll see you there!!!
building the perfect vagina
March 4, 2008
my regular readers have probably been wondering where i’ve been. after all, i’m generally fairly militant about posting, atleast, a blog-entry or two a week. well, what can i say? i’ve been busy. very busy.
my parents, in particular, will be happy to know that after so many years, i am at long last utilizing my education in biology for which they spent a small fortune. all of those hours spent in the lab are finally paying off in spades, as well as all of the hard work my father endured to pay for it all. in a project which is sure to attract the attention of the nobel prize people, i am creating, through careful gene code manipulation and subsequent cloning, a herd of perfect vaginas…
yes, it’s true. what the step after that may be is anybody’s guess, but it really doesn’t matter. why? well, because i’ll have my very own herd of perfect vaginas of course. how many vaginas will constitute a herd? i’m not exactly sure but i think it’s safe to say - ’a lot.’ will i give each of them a name? that’s one idea. will i play with them? i’d sure like to think so. will i have some amazing parties?
i will have the greatest parties ever known to humankind.
how i’m gathering the necessary vagina cells is a combination of strict scientific method and carefully calculated lack of personal hygiene. see, i have refrained from trimming the fingernails on the middle three fingers of my right hand for quite some time now, in order to create a human speculum, of sorts. i have also started ‘dating,’ which is simply a euphemism for pulling the hottest girls out of my neighborhood’s bars and probing their vaginas for ’scraping’ purposes. as soon as the scraping is complete and i have my cell sample i immediately trigger an alarm which mimics my telephone ring. i ‘answer’ my phone to the pretend ‘news’ that a homeless person was just found by my roommate passed out while sitting on my toilet. visibly ’shaken,’ i literally run out the door and head directly back to my swingin’ bachelor’s pad/laboratory where i promptly procure the aforementioned vagina cells from beneath my fingernails and place them in an awaiting petri dish. all in the name of science…
i have amassed a most impressive collection of vagina cells and have produced a few really nice vaginas. still, perfection eludes me. however, i shall not waiver in my quest. i have only just begun.
after i perfect my work with vaginas i am looking to take on an intern to do the dirty work for my next pet project - creating a herd of perfect asses. start growing your fingernails gentlemen…
