read this (or a gnome may do this to your penis)
November 8, 2007
i should have waited until i finished writing to upload the accompanying photo because i can’t even look at the computer screen. what on earth would possess someone to subject their penis to such excruciatingly torturous treatment? i literally feel the urge to vomit. like something out of the middle ages, the prince albert piercing should be every man’s worst nightmare. rather, it is embraced by many whom, atleast on the surface, appear to possess much stronger stomachs and much higher tolerances for pain than yours truly.
due to the placement of the ring thru the man’s urethra, the piercee is condemned to a life of sitting down to pee because, otherwise, urine sprays indiscriminately. when i was a child i dreamt of one day having an affliction which would force me to wait in line with my mother for the can, rather than the hurried ‘get in’ and ‘get out’ experience it always was with my father via the urinal line. it’s comforting that, after so many years, my dream is finally within reach.
i know tommy lee swears by his piercing for the accompanying heightened penile sensitivity. i admire his hedonistic quest and the sacrifices he’s willing to make, for said quest, such as having a piece of steel boared through the fleshy, nerve-filled glans of his penis. i’ll have to take his word for it though, just as i shall have to imagine having a foreskin.
i do wonder how an ass would fare being pounded by a pierced penis. i don’t wonder about it all the time or anything but it’s definitely crossed my mind once or twice. i mean, i have had a few dreams about it and the subject’s popped up more than a few times in therapy but i definitely wouldn’t say i’m obsessed or anything.
just because all of the babes in my dreams have been in love with ’the prince,’ does not mean i am going to participate in this, or any other form of genital mutilation. i only called around to compare prices in order to pass the journalistic mustard, so to speak. i mean, i’m going to cancel the appointment. really.
i thought they said chicks with ticks…
November 5, 2007
i grew up in a pretty rural area of maryland where, on a scorching hot summer day, from off in the ‘not too far’ distance, one could hear the distinct ‘moo’ of dairy cows. awesome.
among the other sounds of summer was the sound of mothers yelling at their children to sit still as they checked their heads for ticks. ticks were a very real threat with cases of lyme disease reaching almost epidemic-like proportions in maryland in the late 90s. of course, now, houses stand in much of that dairy pasture and much of the forest where the ticks lived has been razed for houses that look remarkably similar to the ones in the pasture. i haven’t heard a real cow moo since the last time i drove up the northern coast of marin county and the only ticks i hear about now are tenancy-in-commons (tics.) imagine my surprise when i overheard two gentlemen talking about a bar which caters especially to tick-infested women - ”chicks with ticks” is how they phrased it.
i didn’t want to eavesdrop on their conversation but i couldn’t help myself. these women needed my help. now, i know i am not a doctor but i am very good friends with one - dr. leon rosenozzi, who some of you may recognize as an occasional contributor to livinlargeinsf. i immediately phoned dr. leon only to recall while the phone was ringing that my friend and cohort was going to be in emergency labia-lengthening surgery. “damnit,” i said under my breath. i couldn’t wait. i wondered if these women knew about lyme disease and its long-term ramifications if left untreated. did they know with what they were dealing?
i immediately jumped in my car. i was looking for post street, post between polk and larkin. i was driving fast, but not fast enough. lives were in danger. i was almost there. i knew it was on the right-hand side of the street. what was it called, again?
then i saw it. divas. “that’s the place with an epidemic in the making,” i thought to myself. i parked in the bus zone. i left my car door open as i ran up to the front door.
“that’ll be $18,” said the somewhat gruff-looking bouncer.
“$18?” i didn’t have time to argue. i pulled out my wallet, handed him a twenty and didn’t even wait for my change.
i ran inside. where were they? where were these ‘chicks with ticks?’ i didn’t see any tick-infested women at the bar but there were stairs leading up. i took them to the second floor.
“goddamn, that chick was butt-ugly,” i muttered under my breath. i lost focus. she was built like a dude, had an adam’s apple and a face only a mother could love. i knew i had to save lives. i hoped hers wasn’t one of them. i ran up the stairs leading to the third floor.
“jesus crappers, that girl is even uglier than the one from downstairs…focus,” i told myself. “focus. must…save…lives.” i ran up the stairs leading to the fourth floor.
oh my god…
never in my wildest nightmares could i have prepared myself for what i was about to see. suddenly, it all made sense.
on the fourth floor of divas i found a stripper’s pole and stage. on stage dancing, was a chick, a chick with a dick. divas, it turns out, doesn’t cater towards tick-infested women. divas is a trans-gendered joint.
silly me. i felt much better. there weren’t any lives in danger and those two butt-ugly chicks were actually dudes, sorta’. i immediately left as i vomited on my shoes. i love san francisco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the wool pull factor for divas?………………..‘-246′ or if you are really drunk….‘ 7′ of course you’ll have to not only pay but also have ass sex with a transexual…like i was saying ‘ -246′
the best shoe shine in sf
October 30, 2007
these guys. wow. i have never known anyone to pour their hearts and souls into their work like dieter and serge. be prepared to see your nostril reflections on the tops of your shoes ’cause these guys mean business. anyone can shine shoes with polish. dieter and serge have stopped polishing pole so that they can save all of their saliva reserves for the shiniest shoes EVER. that’s right. they will spit and buff, spit and buff, spit and buff, until every blemish (and every piece of their clothing) is removed. i’ve even seen dieter use this special concoction on my shoes he calls ‘ass-grease.’ it must be a shoe polish reserved for professionals. i’ve never seen it in stores but deiter says he’s got tons of it…
have you met my friend dave?
October 30, 2007
my friend, greg (pictured with the glasses,) and i have a really good buddy named dave (in black.) he just moved to san francisco from the midwest and he works so much that he hasn’t really had an opportunity to meet many people. he lives to dance and loves the beach. dave can be a little shy at first but once he warms up, he always becomes the life of the party. i remember when this shot was taken. dave had just brought the house-down with one of his many jokes. my stomach still hurts.
if dave seems like someone you would like to meet then write a reply and we’ll be sure to set it up. i don’t normally parade my friends around looking for dates. he is just a really great guy who deserves someone special. thanks for reading.
