further pontifications on multiple masturbations
April 6, 2008
it’s no secret i masturbate. a lot. of course, as i get older it’s not so much because i walk around all day with a ‘woodrow’ as it is just simple maintenance. ya’ gotta’ keep the pipes clean. you owe it to your prostate to keep it pumping. at-least once a day if not three times. when you don’t feel like you have it in you simply picture your prostate shriveling up and blowing away in the wind while your semen dribbles out of your penis like drool from the mouth of a stroke victim. damn. that did it for me. i’m gonna’ go work one out. how about you?
so now that we have a why? we need a how? how? internet porn, you silly goose. we are visual animals. my imagination ain’t for shit. i need to see what’s going on. i need the light left on. i need porn.
and thank god for internet porn. gone are the days of having a pile of magazines that you don’t want anyone to see shoved in your bottom drawer or between your mattress and box-spring. gone are the days of wandering into the porn shop at 3am to pick up the latest issue of hairy lesbian grannies while hoping no one whom actually knows you sees you. oh wait, maybe that’s just me…
i don’t pay for sex, nor do i pay for internet porn. why pay for things you can get for free? there’s an ample supply of free shit on the web so i stick strictly to it. that being said, those free thumbnail sites are a landmine field for viruses…
and i’m not speaking of the kind which cause oozing pustules to form on the most sensitive parts of my most sensitive genitalia. i am refering to viruses of the computer sort, but really my life doesn’t have room for either. i had a girlfriend who was more than just a little like a monkey as she groomed me, searching for any sign of blackhead or pimple, anywhere on my body, just so she could squeeze the shit out of it. man, we were close. she could probably get into the oozing pustules. i have an ingrown hair right now on my ass for which she’d probably build an altar. sometimes i really miss her…
the best was when i would be doing my ‘bidness’ and my most recent ex would come home unexpectedly. there was at-least one time when she walked in on me with cock in hand, pants around ankles, saliva puddled at feet. no matter how innocently one masturbates the majority of girlfriends or wives are incapable of not finding this type of behavior incredibly offensive.
hey, i’m a guy. this is what i do whenever i have a little time to kill, a little time ALONE, or a high-speed internet connection…
wingmen and cockblockers - an in-depth analysis
April 2, 2008
i’m so glad i’m a dude. dudes stand by their boys. dudes spend all night talking to a fat girl just so that their buddy can hit on her hot friend. dudes will often even go as far as to make the ultimate sacrifice. yes, perish the thought, but a true friend and wingman will even get naked with a fatty if that is what needs to be done. one of the first great wingmen who really set the mold for the position was saint peter. why do you think jesus always hung out with him? because that fucking guy would do almost anything to get him laid. he’s now a saint. coincidence? i think not…
this mentality, as great as it is, is completely foreign to the female brain as i guess it should be. i realize you ladies have the ‘goods’ and you just can’t go around giving that shit away as a selfless gesture. even so, i’m amazed at how many girls don’t have their friends’ vaginal needs even remotely within the realm of consideration. vaginas, as i understand it anyway, have very real needs.
not that long ago i had two babes that were both all over me. they were ‘friends.’ i use the term loosely because if one of my friends started hitting on a girl on whom i had ‘dibs,’ i’d most likely have to kick his ass. not with these babes. it was a competition. of course, my first thought was that i’d finally be able to have my enormous balls held at the same time with two sets of hands. it takes at-least two sets of hands, if not three. i mean, those things are friggin’ huge…
so, i started cozying up to one of the two babes. i was trying to not commit to her though because i wanted to see if the double-team was still possible, but she was all over me. i mean, i actually thought she was going to start blowing me right there. the more i was macking on the one, the more the other one pulled back.
when it was clearly apparent that they weren’t a package deal i began focusing all of my attention on the one babe. after a little while the other one, whom by this time was looking super hot to me simply because i couldn’t have her anymore, wanted to leave. was her body that nice a half-hour ago? damn. anyway, she wasn’t getting any attention and like the self-esteem lacking attention-whore she was, she wanted to go home. what a friggin’ lame-o. i wouldn’t have cared had both babes not come together. now the chick that wanted to leave expected my babe to leave with her. couldn’t she just go dance on a table or something?
