me as a big pussy
March 23, 2008
i began this blog during what has been, essentially, the most difficult time of my life. yes, i was at rock bottom and it provided the creative outlet i so desperately needed. i have written it from the perspective of a character, really a caricature of myself. sure, i’ve lead a pretty colorful life but really what i was doing was simply trying to push the envelope. i consider myself an artist and with any artistic endeavor one needs to take chances. there were more than a few times when i felt incredibly uncomfortable with what i had written and published for the whole world to see. it was frightening and at the same time completely exhilarating…
all i’ve ever really wanted in life is to be a dad and to have a loving family. i can say that humans aren’t supposed to be monogamous ’till i’m blue in the face but it’s all a crock. writing about my chosen subject matter was more a way to insulate myself against future heartbreak than anything else. i’m sure there was the subconscious desire to flip my ex ‘the bird,’ as well. it was as if i was trying to prove that i didn’t need a relationship and that i was happy being solo. i don’t and i am. while i may not need a relationship i most certainly want one. isn’t that all anybody really wants?
so if i’m willing to take chances in my writing, i should be willing to do the same in my personal life. that being said, i have healed. with the healing comes my inability to write about this crap anymore. i don’t feel like explaining myself to any girl whom i may meet and actually like. i don’t want to have to explain how i’m really not a jaded pig and that i was simply going for a laugh. i don’t want this persona because this isn’t who i am.
writing this blog has been instrumental in helping me find a writing ‘voice.’ it has allowed me to hone my craft and gain an incredible amount of confidence. i shall now turn my attention towards freelancing so don’t be surprised if you see me pop-up in a host of men’s magazines or if you see the expanded edition of the guide to life for the everyman on your neighborhood’s bookstore shelves.
peace out and thanks for reading…
March 23, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Chris,
It has been a pleasure…I have thoroughly enjoyed your blog.
Glad you are OK and all my best wishes for the future.
March 24, 2008 at 3:15 am
thanks frank. the feeling is mutual…
March 24, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Awww dayumn, another one bites the dust. A fellow pimp is “settling down”. Well, even Iceberg Slim settled down eventually, and he literally wrote the book on pimpin’.
I, like Frank, have enjoyed your blog immensely. As a brand new, straight dude transplant to SF, your post on dating was tremendously reassuring. And in the few times I’ve been out so far, my fears have indeed been assuaged. When I read your post on old-pussy / new-pussy I felt like I was reading my own internal monologue. Consistently funny and on point.
But reading this last post, I gotta ask “really?” I give you props for putting what we’re all thinking out there like that. My sense is it’s made your job harder in some way? A little “bloggers remorse” methinks. Yes, the “game” is by definition a covert operation. Guys read “The Game” and girls are playing by “The Rules”. As the brothers say, “the game is to be sold not to be told.” Sounds like that’s what you’re up to in fact.
But the “wool-pull” will not happen over these here eyes. I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t see that last post.
March 25, 2008 at 1:13 am
damn. don’t i feel like a little bitch…
great comment. thank you. this is the shit i need to hear. it was too easy to think my reader base was 4000 gay guys sitting around in their underwear jerking off to the pic of me in my underwear (no offense frank, you know i love you:)
but you’re right, this does make my job harder. consider that last entry pre-emptive damage control. i meet one beautiful, ‘nice’ girl and i’m ready to sell the farm. what’s up with that shit?
i mean, if my parents can get the joke, most people should be able to get the joke and if they don’t, well, as ‘big-ball swinger #1′ i really don’t give a rat’s ass…
that is until i actually meet someone i may want to date. then it’s a whole ‘nother story. i can say “if she’s cool she’ll think it’s funny,” or “if she doesn’t get it then she’s lame,” blah, blah, blah…the fact of the matter is that this is unchartered territory for me. i started worrying that my ‘big balls’ were going to get in the way of just some simple happiness. i guess i could always have some other babe hold my balls -you know, just so they’re not in the way…
anyway, you struck a chord my brother. all of us ‘playas’ need to settle down eventually, atleast i do. that being said, however, you just inspired me. how many times did michael jordan come out of retirement???
March 25, 2008 at 5:34 am
Please say it isn’t so. I’ll date you even if you are a pig. I’m not saying you are a pig, but if you were…
March 25, 2008 at 5:36 am
i’m blushing. i feel the love…
March 30, 2008 at 3:14 am
yeah, sack up pussbag! have u ever noticed that most every girl loves an honest asshole that also happens to be funny? if any of these ‘nice’ twats you’re dating don’t get it than they’re fuckin’ lame and can lick my pee hole.
p.s. sorry took me so long to post brotha!
March 30, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Ya wow what a shock it was to read this at first! I coulda bet you would have gone back if I had only read it sooner, but, I didn’t. Anyhow, I wouldn’t call this being a “pussy”…contrarily I think it must take great strength of character for a person to put their deepest thoughts like these on the www for all to see if they so desire. Also for one to examine oneself like you did here, to challenge all that you believe to be true, coming to conclusions completely against everthing else you ever have written here, is a very scary thing for most people. Most people never have the strength to look at themselves and honestly ask if they are really doing what is “right” for them and if what they believe to be true is really valid. Most of the drones out there prefer to keep floating along blissfully without ever noticing their (sometimes) devistating character flaws, because it’s much easier to just think that ya, everything is cool, your a great person, and there’s no room for improvement whatsoever.
And I think your conclusion you came to here of “one day settling down” is a totally honest and frank assesment on your part. And its true for almost everyone, basic human need or some shit. The plain fact of the matter is that really nobody wants to die alone. Except for me that is-If I have my cat with me, I think I’ll be cool. But ya, realizing that you one day want to settle down is not being a pussy. Its taking an honest inventory of your self and your life and coming out with an honest conclusion.
And that is a very commendable thing my friend.
Sorry for long commenting. Never said I wasn’t opinionated!
March 31, 2008 at 12:18 am
i guess the ‘pussy-part’ came in the way of even worrying for a second what anyone besides myself was thinking about me, or would think about me. it took me writing it down to see how retarded it was. i care about my parents’ and my son’s thoughts. i know the three of them think that i’m the man. thus, everybody else can go suck it.
mike in hawaii - finally. jeez. unfortunately for you i’m still going to have to tea-bag you the next time i see you. hope all is well…