building the perfect vagina
March 4, 2008
my regular readers have probably been wondering where i’ve been. after all, i’m generally fairly militant about posting, atleast, a blog-entry or two a week. well, what can i say? i’ve been busy. very busy.
my parents, in particular, will be happy to know that after so many years, i am at long last utilizing my education in biology for which they spent a small fortune. all of those hours spent in the lab are finally paying off in spades, as well as all of the hard work my father endured to pay for it all. in a project which is sure to attract the attention of the nobel prize people, i am creating, through careful gene code manipulation and subsequent cloning, a herd of perfect vaginas…
yes, it’s true. what the step after that may be is anybody’s guess, but it really doesn’t matter. why? well, because i’ll have my very own herd of perfect vaginas of course. how many vaginas will constitute a herd? i’m not exactly sure but i think it’s safe to say - ’a lot.’ will i give each of them a name? that’s one idea. will i play with them? i’d sure like to think so. will i have some amazing parties?
i will have the greatest parties ever known to humankind.
how i’m gathering the necessary vagina cells is a combination of strict scientific method and carefully calculated lack of personal hygiene. see, i have refrained from trimming the fingernails on the middle three fingers of my right hand for quite some time now, in order to create a human speculum, of sorts. i have also started ‘dating,’ which is simply a euphemism for pulling the hottest girls out of my neighborhood’s bars and probing their vaginas for ’scraping’ purposes. as soon as the scraping is complete and i have my cell sample i immediately trigger an alarm which mimics my telephone ring. i ‘answer’ my phone to the pretend ‘news’ that a homeless person was just found by my roommate passed out while sitting on my toilet. visibly ’shaken,’ i literally run out the door and head directly back to my swingin’ bachelor’s pad/laboratory where i promptly procure the aforementioned vagina cells from beneath my fingernails and place them in an awaiting petri dish. all in the name of science…
i have amassed a most impressive collection of vagina cells and have produced a few really nice vaginas. still, perfection eludes me. however, i shall not waiver in my quest. i have only just begun.
after i perfect my work with vaginas i am looking to take on an intern to do the dirty work for my next pet project - creating a herd of perfect asses. start growing your fingernails gentlemen…
March 4, 2008 at 2:45 am
Seeing that you are undoubtedly an MP (The Master of Probers), no apprentice could match your skill, so carry-on to better ass probes and I’m sure a willing apprentice will carry-on with the vaginal samples.
March 4, 2008 at 2:58 am
i love your energy and appreciate your insight. i do have skills. however, i have also had feces under my fingernails - neither fun nor hygienically sound. hence, interns.
March 4, 2008 at 3:13 am
Thanks!
I did find your post beautifully crafted and off-the -wall.:)
I can see the logic in the hygiene issue, agree that the new guy gets the crap jobs!
Good luck and it will be fascinating to see how you advertise for this life-fulfilling position.
March 4, 2008 at 7:40 am
Chris,
OMG…our parents were right….too much masturbation can cause unpredictable results!!!
Seriously,Chris, glad you surfaced to post a new entry…I can see that you are totally engrossed in your research.
March 5, 2008 at 3:41 am
You bastard. I knew you were full of it. I want my vagina cells back.
March 5, 2008 at 3:51 am
heather, i have a release form signed by you. i know you thought it was for those pictures we took, but either way…
March 6, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Well, if you’re building vaginas, clearly someone needs to start building cocks…is there an instruction manual?
March 6, 2008 at 5:36 pm
yes. open mouth. move head ‘up & down.’ repeat.
March 15, 2008 at 11:17 am
HAHAHA You are so gross!
But still I find it amusing so I guess I am to blame too
Are you taking donations in the vagina cell department? Cuz I’ve got some winners lol
March 15, 2008 at 3:39 pm
oh chelsea lynn, i bet you do. have i told you i think i may love you?
March 30, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Well. That’s a mighty strong word now isn’t it…hhmm, I don’t know how I feel about that…no, I kid, I kid only! I am flattered for sure, and I am rather fond of your particular brand of “crazy” as well! But I don’t know if I’m quite ready for the “L” word yet!
March 31, 2008 at 12:26 am
that was simply my way of saying i already knew you were smart and funny, but when i was fortunate enough to see pics of you, i almost fell out of my chair. that’s the holy trifecta in my book…