my coming-out party
January 15, 2008
i am able to think of no better time than now to officially come out of the closet…
yes. it’s true. i can’t hide anymore. i need to come clean. it truly has been an unbearable load to carry.
no longer. exhale…
i am able to finally stand tall and declare that i have a (drumroll please)…………fetish for feet.
don’t be weirded out. you can still wear your open-toed shoes around me. i promise you i won’t take any mental snapshots of your tootsies when you’re not looking. i’m not creepy. and i definitely won’t conjure the image later with them thar’ toes spending quality time with my erect penis. that would just be weird. well, i guess maybe that could happen if you have really exceptional feet and you’re a good sport. and it is, of course, assumed that they will be in really nice shoes. i am very particular about shoes…
damn. that was homolicious…
with ’less than hot’ babes, i’ve found that a really nice pair of feet can most definitely help their cause to get laid, but, let’s be honest. pretty feet can only compensate for so much. if i can pair a nice set of feet with another top-notch body part then we may have something with which i can work…
with hot chicks i am always completely horrified and incredibly disappointed whenever i discover that their feet are less than flawless. it’s sad when i’m not as aroused by some babe as i could be. but let’s think about happy thoughts…
like this one particularly sexy girl with whom i engaged in a one-night stand. i met her after the last time i trimmed my pubic hair, at the lush lounge (which by the way has a current wool pull factor of 7.5.) she had the softest skin ever felt by a human hand. she had a beautiful tattoo on the side of her torso. she was hottt(with atleast three t’s beeatch!!!) she even had a great tasting vagina. it reminded me of this particular ’05 burgandy i sampled at a recent dinner - it smelled a little funky at first but once it had a chance to open up a little, it was delicious…
unfortunately, along with the skin, face, tattoo, burgundian vagina, and kick-ass style, she also had a prehensile finger toe…
you know, a finger toe. that’s when the second toe is atleast a ‘good’ knuckle longer than the big toe. i mean, she could climb trees with those friggin’ things. as if that wasn’t bad enough, she also chose to wear a ring upon her right finger toe. her toe was about four inches long. the ring made it look about four feet long. i couldn’t recover. fortunately, i have been dabbling in meditation which enabled me to maintain my focus and my erection just long enough to ejaculate.
thank goodness…
maybe my pubic ‘fro has had something to do with it
January 14, 2008
in the words of ice cube - ‘today was a good day.’
it was beautiful outside. i went on an incredible jog where i kicked the shit out of multiple behemoth hills. i listened to good tunes. i got some work done. i played the guitar. i trimmed my pubic hair…
yes. believe me when i say it was way past due. it makes sense though because, as far as babes go, i pretty much have been in hibernation. keeping my long and curlies short has not been, even on the long list of priorities. i have made attempts to come out into the dating world. these have been an exercise in futility for i invariably get shafted. well, you know what? winter is over early this year beeatch. what better way to mark the change of seasons than to shave down my penis muffler???
my heart obviously wasn’t really into my earlier attempts at dating. i mean, who in their right mind is going to leave the house with their very own wooly mammoth in their pants? there’s a reason they’ve been extinct for more than just a few millenniums. talk about making a first impression a last impression…
but no longer. i am hairless and ready to party baby. now, if i can just do something about that back hair…
i can’t believe she just farted
January 10, 2008
picture me sitting at a bar drinking a beer. not hard to do. particularly with a hot blond sitting beside me. she had a body straight out of my wildest fantasies. she had a vocabulary which rivaled mine. to quote one of my most respected luminaries, paris hilton,…’that’s hot. ’
we were having a great conversation. i was not leaving any question as to the fact that i wanted to do unspeakable things to her bung. well, actually, i was a little more discreet than that. just a little, though.
hearing her tell stories of her lesbian dalliances made my swollen member press further and further into the fabric of my trousers. then, unexpectedly and unbelievably, fabio, of all people, came into the cafe where i was sitting to buy a macchiato. now, i fucking love fabio. so, of course, i went up to him with the intent of securing his autograph. i mean, that shit will be worth a fortune one day…
so with autograph in tow i went back to the hot, loquacious babe with the hooters. we picked-up where we had left off. this continued for awhile. now, keep in mind i was sitting all the way at the end of the bar. there was no one else around me besides this babe. she turned to her right to speak to the douchebag to her right. suddenly i caught whiff of something peculiar. jeez, what is that?
it ever so gradually intensified in its olfactory assault. i scanned my immediate area just to ensure a homeless person hadn’t defecated on my shoe when i wasn’t looking. the smell continued to grow. what the fuck is that?
i can, on occasion, be a little slow on the draw. particularly when i have almost been rendered unconscious by the smell of ass. all fingers were pointing to this babe’s rear end as the culprit of this most offensive of smells. i reluctantly accepted the reality of the situation. then something happened…
instead of being repulsed i felt that old familiar tingle. was i actually becoming aroused by the smell of her flatulance? ‘please god,’ i thought…’please tell me i’m not becoming aroused by the smell and thought of this girl farting…’
like i need any more sex-related issues, right? but see, i don’t know now. the thought really doesn’t do it for me anymore…
i think it must have just been those friggin’ tits. i mean, goddamn. they were phenomenal…
myspace - most girls still suck, just like in person
January 10, 2008
ok. maybe i am a misogynist.
naahhhh. i make big joke. you no laugh (you’re supposed to say that as tonto would:)
but, in all fairness, i don’t know what it is. maybe it’s because when you haven’t actually met someone in person there’s no sense of it being real??? and people don’t feel the need to be real??? personally, that mentality just doesn’t do it for me.
i have atleast a thousand better things to think and worry about than something as trivial as ‘myspace dating’ but let’s talk about it for just a second…
myspace is one huge meat market.
i had never even been on myspace before i started writing this thing (meaning my blog.) i thought it would be a good way to steer traffic towards it. i had no idea i was going to be bombarded by single women…
believe me, i’m not complaining. as a single man, i love single women. it’s good to know that there are throngs of horny, single babes out there. what i need to keep in mind though is that all of the same hurdles and roadblocks one encounters in the real world also transfer to the cyber-world. what the fuck???
i was stood-up last night…
this very cute girl contacted me. we exchanged a few emails. she befriended me (on myspace) and we’ve now been, somewhat sporadically, writing each other back and forth for over a month. i have never met her. even so, she invited me over to her house for dinner last night. i was more than a little surprised. she told me she’d call. i told her i’d be waiting by the phone. obviously i was not though this is more due to the fact that i carry a cell phone than anything else. believe me, every time a fly farted i was checking my phone to see if that was it vibrating. needless to say she never called. i woke up this morning to an email from her saying she was sorry but blah, blah, blah…
unless there was physical injury or death, i don’t care what ‘came up.’
all of you big ball swingers out there need to remember…no phone call, no thanks. it doesn’t matter how hot the particular girl is. there’s a cooler, hotter babe that will treat you with respect waiting around the next corner.
we have way too much self-respect to allow others to treat us without any…
new year’s eve under heavy gay artillery fire
January 3, 2008
in true livinlargeinsf style i rang the new year in at a tranny party. now, why on earth would i go somewhere with single, horny women when i can hang out with a bunch of horny chicks with dicks?
i’m kidding. what do you think i am, a freak? T-R-A-N-N-Y as in transvestite, not transexual.
because i’m cooler than even i give myself credit, i had numerous options for new year’s. during the selection process one particular party seemed to keep popping up more than the others. i took stock of the selection criteria. friends were going? check. there’d be hot chicks? check. it wasn’t crazy expensive? check. sure, we’ll take a limo there but after i get shitfaced, spend all of my money on illicit drugs and lose my friends in the confusion , i’ll be able to walk home? check.
i was still undecided. my buddy then ’pulled at my penis-strings,’ if you will. he brought to my attention how, with all of the gay men that would be at this party, there would be very few straight guys with whom i would need to compete. hmm. that could be interesting. you mean to tell me i’d be one of the very few straight dudes to reap the new year’s eve ‘goodie-bag,’ so to speak? that’s all i needed to hear. i was certain this year’s goodie-bag would include, at the the very least, some heavy face sucking and some even heavier petting, maybe i’d even get to rub my special purpose on some babe while dancing. niiiice.
unfortunately, my bag was filled simply with the smell of farts.
now, i know what some of you are thinking. you’ve already suspected me of playing for both teams and this is the final nail-in-the-coffin. think what you may…
so anyway, i decided on the tranny party. there were, in total, 7 girls in the entire place. this included the two lesbians with whom i went and the two female bartenders. ouch. all of my gay friends pull wool. what happened? oh, well. that’s cool, i thought. i don’t always have to have babes around me…
the above picture was taken as i was scanning the crowd during the ball-drop(mine were still in my stomach,) my only respite from the heavy artillery fire which had been blanketing me. i was looking for the bald guy with whom i’d been dancing. uh, what? or the other dude that rubbed up against me. or that one guy that grabbed me. then there was that other guy who cornered me. or the guy from the bathroom who had an eye twitch which forced him to look down and to the left. unfortunately that’s also where my penis was located while standing at the urinal, peeing. then, of course, there was that gentleman who bought me the drink.
now, that was actually pretty cool…
it’s comforting to know that if i should ever begin pirating for butt, i’ll reap much booty. happy new year.
you want me to do what to your girlfriend?
January 2, 2008
i shall never understand the rationale behind wanting to see your babe get worked over by a stranger.
no, wait. that’s not true. i understand being turned on by the thought of it but i can’t see ever actually going through with it, atleast with anyone i even remotely cared about. i had a girlfriend for five years - senior year of high school through college. when she broke up with me the hottest thought i could conjure was her getting worked over by two huge black dudes. i can still see it now. they were anything but gentle. that is, honestly, the only time the thought of ’sharing’ has even remotely intrigued me. it just seems like a recipe for disaster.
that being said, i’m certainly not averse to the idea of being the stranger. he he he…
there have been three occasions where a random, or relatively random, couple has approached me with the proposition of banging the wife, or girlfriend, as it were. and no, these weren’t couples with a bi-curious male. these were simply couples that had a male who wanted to see, or atleast didn’t mind seeing, their girl get drilled by a young buck.
personally, i wouldn’t want me anywhere near my girlfriend, wife, significant other, aunt, grandmother, adopted half-sister, etc. but hey, if that’s what you’re into…
the first couple that propositioned me had a smoking hot girl so i felt somewhat obligated to screw the bejeesus out of her. and boy, did i. it was a little weird though because i sorta’ knew the guy. let’s just say that after he watched me, literally, turn his girlfriend inside out, our friendship never really had a chance to blossom.
the second couple picked me up at a bar. i was sitting next to the wife. the husband was sitting next to her. they bought me a drink. the wife was being incredibly flirtatious with me and it was making me more than a little uncomfortable. when she put her hand on my leg in open view of her husband, it all started to make sense.
fast forward one hour to their hotel room…
the husband was sitting at the window, staring out at the skyline. he seemed a little pissed-off but they kept re-assuring me that everything was cool. the wife, who was now wearing a little lacy thing, was spread-eagled on the bed. i wasted no time. i immediately became neck-deep in her crotch. hey, that’s why i was there, right?
as it turns out, the husband was upset because it was supposed to be his turn to defile their marriage. unfortunately he waited until i was performing cunnilingus on his wife to mention it. things then became weird. ok, i mean weirder than they had already been up to this point which, i realize, was almost off the charts. i was doing my best to stay focused on the job at hand which was, of course, munching box. it was difficult, as the husband was now hovering over us, telling his wife repeatedly how much of a selfish bitch she was.
as you may suspect, i have an incredibly high tolerance for weirdness. this was even too much for me. i told them i appreciated the opportunity and that given different circumstances, i’d be more than happy to bang the snot out of her. i excused myself.
after that experience the third couple that approached me didn’t stand much of a chance. the female would have had to have been a beauty queen for me to even consider the idea. needless to say, she was not…
i am the last person to judge anyone, ever. that being said, there are a lot of weird fucking people out there.
and yes, i realize i am one of them…
