haven’t they heard of photoshop?
December 26, 2007
who gave this photo the thumbs up?
the only thing worse than a pair of breasts that aren’t as attractive as they could be is a pair of breasts which apparently have fallen under the knife of someone who practiced plastic surgery as a hobby just on the weekends during the month of february. the rest of the year they were too busy touring with the carnival making cotton candy.
pictured is audrey bitoni. she’s a 21 year old who got her break while in college when she received the cover of one of the playboy college editions. it took her no time at all to ‘graduate’ to hardcore. i can’t help but think that her tits were a lot more attractive prior to the mutilation.
because i have excessive amounts of time on my hands, livinlargeinsf will now be featuring, in a new category entitled ‘please put your bra back on. i implore you,’ the porn stars who carry the dubious distinction of being recipients of the worst breast augmentation surgeries, ever.
if by doing this i can save even one set of breasts, it will have been worth the price.
so, in the spirit of things…
audrey, please put your bra back on. i implore you…
the virtuoso masturbator
December 22, 2007
i was a bad boy.
it was late. really late. i had been hanging out with these two friends of mine, both of whom are chicks. one of whom i’ve had the opportunity to nail more than a few times. i also have been the welcome recipient of a dozen or so of her glorious ‘oral servicings.’
this girl is a wild animal. she holds the distinction of being the only girl with whom i’ve been caught having sex in public and i’ve had alot of sex in public. we were on this little observation tower towards the ghirardelli square end of fisherman’s wharf. she was bent over. i was behind her. my tongue was visiting ‘rim-job city.’ it was pretty hard-core. i even played dentist and ‘filled her cavities’ in my back seat while some homeless dude watched. she said “let him watch.” i said “ooohhhhaaaahhhh,” as i blew. i’m sorry baby, but that was hottttt!!!
i have even seen this girl, with my very own eyes, suck a hairy midget thru a crazy straw. i know. i wouldn’t have believed it either…
the problem is that even with all of that, i just get tired of the same pussy. pussy’s like bread. it gets stale. who wants day old bread? the same people who want day old pussy, and they can have it. i don’t want that old, stale pussy. i needs me some new, fresh, different pussy. not necessarily better, not necessarily tighter, not even prettier or less hairy, just different. a wise man once said “show me a beautiful woman and i’ll show you a guy that’s tired of fucking her.”
no shit.
it was so late that night that we all just went to sleep. well, except for me. i was too busy lying on the floor with my laptop jerking off to porn. twice. nevermind, i had a willing and able partner five feet from me. i still preferred to masturbate in secret. twice. did i mention i masturbated twice?
let’s face it. it’s damn difficult to beat perfection. after so many years of jerking off i have perfected it, man. i am a virtuoso. i know exactly what to do. trial and error with an innumerable amount of repetitions over 20 years will surely lead one to mastery. and yes, i am, indeed, a master.
this inverse proportion between the number of times i have sex with a girl and that particular girl’s ability to compete with porn is why i am single and shall be FOREVER, which, by the way, is fine…by…me…
my underwear is for sale
December 7, 2007
yes. you read that correctly.
in a shameless stab at self-promotion i am going to be offering my skivvies for sale. pretty exciting, i know.
and no, we are not speaking of the ‘fresh out of the laundry - ooh, that smells so good’ kind of underwear. we are speaking of the ‘i’ve been wearing these all week and haven’t showered once,’ kind of underwear. the ‘i ran five miles and moved my bowels even though there were no paper products in my house,’ kind of underwear. the ‘i haven’t trimmed my bush and i’ve had butt sex with a transexual,’ kind of underwear. shall i continue?
i thought not.
due to my fondness for attaching a number value to things in order to quantify their perceived value, i have devised the ‘funk factor’ to clear up any possible confusion. different from the ‘wool pull factor,’ but just as powerful, the ‘funk factor’ will also be on a scale from 1 to 10. a score of 1 will mean that i wore said pair of underwear for 24 hours but did nothing to soil them beyond that of normal ball stink. with each step of the scale the ‘funk’ will increase. whether it be an extra cum stain or an actual skidmark, believe me when i say that i have spent way too much time calculating all the respective values.
the particulars are being worked out as i’m writing this, but i felt the need to let the proverbial cat out of the bag and give livinlargeinsf readers a sneak peek. don’t worry. my ‘winter line’ will be unveiled just in time for christmas. can you imagine a better stocking stuffer?
i thought not.
an ass to celebrate
December 5, 2007
crack open the bubbly…
let us celebrate beauty. let us celebrate perfection. let us celebrate the ass of mindy vega. it still looks phenomenal even at the ripe old age of 33. what’s her secret?
i don’t know but she needs to share it with others, right quick. i cropped the above photo so that her schwance wasn’t visible, poking its little head out from the rear. you know, because i run a classy site here. believe me when i say that it killed me to delete all of that gloriousness. the only saving grace is that i can rub one out to the uncropped version as soon as i finish this literary treasure known as this girl is too hot for porn.
look at those feet and that pedicure. oh my goodness…
ok. i couldn’t wait. her feet pushed me over the edge. i just took a little ‘break,’ and now i’m about 10lbs lighter - yeah, my sperm are huge. i also can think clearly now which should last for only about ten minutes, before i start to get ‘backed-up’ again. so, i better write fast.
unfortunately, one can celebrate and pontificate over an ass for only so long before it becomes tiresome. actually, i think that must be my ‘post-ejaculation self’ talking. well, either way, i need to go take a nap…
‘a chafed ass and its owner find love’
December 2, 2007
i had no idea the chaffing was even happening.
if i had, i would have stopped doing whatever it was i was doing. i had taken a yoga class, and i had gone for a jog, both while wearing the same pair of boxer briefs, hanes boxer briefs to be exact.
i have only ever liked calvin klein underwear. that is, when i wear underwear, which is hardly ever. i must say that my calvin klein’s have made more than a few babes unable to wait until christmas to open my ‘package,’ or should i say their ‘package.’ normally though, it’s commando city, baby. believe me. as my ass throbbed, i was left wondering “if only i’d gone commando this time…”
what is one to do when their ass gets incredibly chafed and painful to the touch? i mentioned my dilemma to a friend. his response?
vaseline.
really? hmm. i would have never in a million years even remotely considered the possibility of bringing vaseline anywhere even close to my bung. the more i thought about it though, and the more exascerbated my chaffing became, the better and better the curious ring of vaseline sounded to my virginal ears.
in fact i started to feel a strange sense of excitement, like the anticipation before a big date. what should i wear? should i take another shower? should i trim my anal hairs? should i buy myself a few drinks so that i can ‘loosen up?’
oh, the excitement!!!
i’ll admit it’s an unlikely pairing, but vaseline and i have been dating now for two weeks. our love affair is just blossoming. we are still at the stage of learning all of each other’s idiosyncracies but i can tell you that she is everything i’ve been looking for in a woman, well, except for that whole woman part, obviously.
i may never go commando again.
my herpes didn’t stay in vegas
December 1, 2007
‘what happens in vegas, stays in vegas?’
never, have i heard a bigger crock of shit, ever. it’s the most misleading marketing campaign that i have ever had the misfortune to watch, listen to, absorb, believe.
i guess it just proves that no matter how brilliant i truly am, even i am capable of being ‘duped.’
let me explain.
i went to vegas last weekend for a friend’s bachelor party. we hired entertainment. they sent us four ’smoking hot’ call girls. while the one babe was tossing another’s salad i noticed that there were ‘things’ all over her ‘cooch.’ it wasn’t so bad that it kept me from munching on it. i mean, it still looked pretty good. also, most of the sores were around her clitoris and i never touch a girl’s clitoris. with all of those nerve endings? i’m sorry, but that’s kinda’ gross.
so anyway, i had four fingers in her ass. there was ass-grease everywhere. in the confusion i ’slid’ and accidentally touched some sores, first with my tongue, then twice with my penis, then with my tongue a couple more times, then twice with my foot, and then once more with my penis. all by accident. i didn’t sweat it though because i remembered that everything that happens in vegas stays in vegas.
i mean that’s why i went to vegas, so that everything would stay there. i had no idea that it wasn’t an all-comprehensive ‘everything.’ i think someone may be getting sued…
poopie-cock(ed) and poopie loaded
December 1, 2007
after much pleading from my boyfriend, i have finally agreed to take a dildo to his ass and work him over like the little sissy that he is. to my horror, he came home yesterday, after stopping by ‘good vibrations’ on polk st, with a strap-on face dildo. i’m nervous to say the least. what are the chances of me getting a face full of one of his incredibly foul-smelling fecal bouquets?
i’d say pretty good. i suggest brewing a pot of coffee just beforehand. also, make sure he approaches you from a squatting position. in my experience this ‘1-2 punch’ works like a charm. be sure to keep your mouth closed, at-least at first…
fortunately, the design of the face dildo should prevent any feces from actually getting into your eyes. feces is no friend to eyes, nor is it a friend to fingernails. and actually it’s not really a friend to nose hairs either. i mean, really, i heard that feces was talkin’ shit about pretty much everybody. talk about a two-faced cunt. that bitch. she’s nobody’s friend. she can’t be trusted!! i can’t believe the way she treats people!!! that dumb fucking bitch!!! i’m gonna’ kick her fucking-
[editor's note: livinlargeinsf apologizes for dr. leon's outburst. he will be taking some needed time off while he is kept for observation by 'the nice men in white coats.' accordingly, we shall include an excerpt from a scrapped unpublished episode in order to substitute for this one. sorry it couldn't be funnier. but you probably wouldn't have 'gotten' it anyway. you're so fucking stupid. look at how stupid you are. you dumbasses! you all think you're so fucking smart!! do you know the pressure i'm under!?! you fucking morons!! you don't know what it's like to be me!!! i'm going to kick you're pussified, pieces of shi-]
{asst. editor’s note: unfortunately, marty macandarandy, our fearless editor-in-chief, has been placed on administrative leave, indefinitely. we apologize for any inconvenience or problems these outbursts may have caused. } now, back to dr. leon…
i was the unfortunate victim of ‘poopie-cock.’ it was the first (and probably last) time i’ve gone, as you say, ’spillunking.’ is there always excrement involved? how do gay men handle the possible problem of poo?
since kids have picked their noses, man has wondered just how many times he can go spillunking, indiscriminately, before he will wear his fecal badge of honor. i’d say the average is about 7.
utilization of a bowel cleansing enema is a gay man’s weapon in creating an ass cavern worthy of hosting such gala events as the ‘i’m now going to plow your bung’ olympics or the annual ’anal creampie ball.’ a colonic martini anyone? btw, that was super alliteration to close your question. well done.
dr. leon rosenozzi is a renowned psychologist and sexologist who is always on the cutting edge of stuff to do with psychology and sexology. his unique perspective is featured weekly in livinlargeinsf with sf-at-large with dr. leon where he fields questions from people he stops on the street. we look forward to his forthcoming video interviews!!!!!!
