sure, i’ll have sex with you, but only once
November 28, 2007
” i’ve never seen an ugly pussy.”
i wish i could claim responsibility for the preceeding quote but i can’t. it was uttered by a friend of mine and he is, surely, wise beyond his years. it does echo a personal sentiment though, and that is i can literally find something attractive about almost any woman. ok, i mean something other than her pussy.
yes, you heard me - any woman.
whether it’s her hair, or her eyes, or her feet, or her chest weights, or simply her pulse, i can get hard by almost any babe. does this mean then, by way of the transitive property, that i would also have sex with almost any babe?
that’s exactlty what it means.
but, there is a catch. i may want to have sex with every chick out there, but for the vast majority of babes, or 99.9% of them, my curiosity will magically disappear as soon as the first drops of semen touch air. actually, before the last remnants of ejaculate are fully milked from my quivering penis, i will be looking for my pants, looking for the door, and making my exit.
in fact, if i have sex with you more than once then i must think you’re pretty ’special.’ don’t worry. by ’special’ i’m not inferring that i would think you were retarded, although i probably could get wood even from a retarded babe, particularly if she had a body part i could zero in on, like a really nice ass. i would never allow an extra chromosome to stand in the way of my ‘dispersal.’
hey baby. there’s no need to make me breakfast. i need to be on my way.
i have A-LOT of seed to spread…
oh, carmella - show us your tits
November 25, 2007
i could easily fill 35 wheelbarrows with all of the ’spunk’ i have emitted while fantasizing about carmella bing. i could also probably populate a small third-world country with whatever sperm was left over. she’s my ‘go-to’ and i have ‘gone’ to her more times than any other babe, ever. my prostate has pictures of her up on its bedroom walls.
she’s 26 years old. she’s from vegas. she is completely unafraid to get down and dirty. i believe these are the qualities which make true love everlasting. group, girls, anal, it doesn’t matter. she’s down for whatever, whenever, with whomever.
she works a lot and is all over the internet. a ‘big boobs’ website without carmella is like a shoe without stink or an ass without a hole. or was that an ass without stink and a shoe without a hole? well, either way, she’s got great tits.
a double shot of ass
November 20, 2007
anal warts. what are they and how do i get them, …er, i mean, get rid of them.
great question. anal warts occur as the direct result of what we doctors refer to as ‘homo’ thoughts. their numbers may also be reduced dramatically if pants are worn. when i began regularly wearing pants and stopped imagining myself as a towel boy in the grecian baths, my warts disappeared. of course, i now have them on my penis, but as far as my anal warts, those have all vanished.
my girlfriend really likes to be spanked. in fact, spanking is the only way she becomes aroused. i’m worried. can you explain this masochistic behavior?
your girlfriend is what we in the medical profession refer to as a ‘crazy bitch.’ my suggestion is to encourage her to seek career opportunities in exotic dancing where she can profit from her obvious father/sexual abuse issues while utilizing a front for dealing cocaine to her ‘clients.’ good luck!!!
dr. leon rosenozzi will have a new weekly feature in livinlargeinsf with ’sf-at-large with dr. leon’ as the good doctor answers candid questions from (really) random people on the street.
the twister invitational
November 19, 2007
last weekend san francisco played host to the 1st annual twister invitational.
sure to become a national media spectacle, the twister invitational went off this year without a hitch. 48 teams came from around the world to compete for $100,000 in cash and prizes and for the illustrious crown of twister world champion.
pictured are hometown favorites and the eventual champs, rodd and todd adonis. they are known for their ’slipperiness,’ as well as for their ‘reach.’ their true advantage is that they haven’t changed, let alone cleaned, their pleather pants since a sweaty ricky martin rubbed up against them during his incredible she bangs tour.
i lost to them in the first round. they methodically and systematically break their opponents down with the ever sweet smell of ten year old ball cheese. i can still smell it. yack…
‘ r ‘ you horny?
November 19, 2007
r bar.
there is no bar in san francisco where i am more likely to be swimming in ’ass’ than r bar. let me say that again with special emphasis…
there is absolutely, no bar in san francisco where i am more likely to encounter girls intent on further tarnishing their surely, already questionable reputations, than (the) r bar. consider it a late night, all-you-can-eat, carnal buffet where if you don’t like something on your plate, just try something else. it’s that easy.
it’s like this for me even when there are only 2 girls in the place, along with twenty dudes, which, unfortunately, happens all too often. don’t worry. when it’s busy there’s plenty of food for everybody.
if i were trying to get my rocks off with marginally attractive girls who are willing to ‘throw down,’ i’d be in there 4x a week. fortunately, i am picking and choosing my ‘victims’ very carefully these days. i only even go in there because i’m friends with one of the bartenders, and the two owners, who occasionally work as well, are super cool dudes.
r bar has a wool pull factor of………………..8.5 why so low considering my rave review? due to the often insurmountable guy to girl ratio i am forced to make a deduction. also, a score of ten is reserved for an idealized state for whose existence in reality is a stretch, a la ‘heaven.’
pictured are vanessa and jessica, two of the coolest babes i’ve met, ever. they didn’t even mind my sweaty face. they DO NOT hang out at r bar so take those nasty thoughts out of your heads immediately. these are the kinds of babes we should all be so lucky as to impregnate. i just wanted to give them props….
a blowjob? i’ll make the sacrifice
November 18, 2007
i am such a nice guy.
seriously. i mean, i can think of more than a few times where i have literally allowed some babe to blow me just because i was too nice to say no. i knew she had her heart set on it and i hate to disappoint. who am i to dash her hopes and dreams?
i am just a man, and a simple one at that.
i also have allowed a babe or two to ride me just because they bought me a drink and gave me a ride…home, that is. the sacrifices i make for others - inspirational to say the least.
as unbelievable as it is, i have even gone as far as to allow a few of these young lovelies to swallow every ounce of my manseed while cupping my testicles with their seemingly tiny, manicured hands. i am a martyr for a generation. let my light be an example of what selfless living can do.
amen.
it’s my catholic upbringing. those years as an altar boy taught me not only how to chug holy wine but also how to hand myself over selflessly to another.
i am and shall continue to be a man for others…incredible.
boobs - a serious examination
November 14, 2007
what is it about boobs?
now, by boobs i am not speaking of those individuals also referred to as morons, dipshits, numbnuts, doufuses (or is it doufi?), imbeciles, ignoramouses, dumbasses, etc.
by boobs i am referring to tits, mammaries, udders, perkies, flotation devices, pillows, mosquito bites, glorious nipple-capped milk factories, droopy chest weights, the things that, hopefully, will take most of the extra weight when my chick gets fat, or one of the many other sophomoric terms one might apply to this most beloved body part.
the most obvious thing tits have going for them is their absolute representation of the purest form of sustenance. we may think of ourselves as being completely removed from the rest of the animal kingdom but the first thing all mammals do, humans included, is reach for the tit.
now, personally, i was never breast-fed. if i had been, i would logically link this to my own fascination with breasts. instead, the instinctual need has been left wanting and has, somehow, only increased in its intensity. i mean, i loves me some boobies. fake ones, real ones, round ones, it doesn’t matter how big, how small, whatever. my only request is that they are atleast somewhat aesthetically pleasing. also, i’m going to be spending some time on them, so if they’re sensitive to boot, that’s an inherent bonus.
there is an obvious appeal towards anything that is forbidden. even an ankle can be sexy if you’re not supposed to see it. this makes ’sense’ but while i am more than willing to rub my penis all over some hot babe’s bosom, i doubt i would ever want to rub it all over someone’s ankle, unless of course the ankle were slathered in dijon mustard.
that’s right. with clinical tests and in-the-field research to support his theory, dr. leon rosenozzi has made the incredible discovery that regular dijon mustard ’dippings’ will repel herpes and chlamydia and it will magically make prostitutes graciously return your money. if dr. leon says it, i’m liking my chances that it’s true. amazing.
now, i didn’t get my money back but dr. leon says it’s only because i used honey dijon. fortunately, he says my case of gonorrhea is relatively mild compared to some of the cases he’s seen in thailand. we look forward to his new weekly report in san francisco at large with dr. leon…
uncle sal ’spanking it’ for the family album
November 10, 2007
my uncle sal is world-renowned for his ‘aim.’ once he began ’competing,’ family picnics were never quite the same. “can’t we just play horseshoes?” was a common utterance which was routinely followed by uncle sal ’spanking’ us in competition.
the ‘firehose,’ as he’s affectionately known, has put out more than a few fires. i have absolutely no idea what that means but it sounded really funny for a split second. he is available for children’s parties as well as for insemination purposes. uncle sal’s ’recovery’ time is not what it used to be so please allow 1-2 days between erections.
my first leather party
November 10, 2007
last week i held my first leather party. being the consummate host, i went ahead with it, even though it conflicted with my strict stance of not allowing any friggin’ homos into my home. when i initially agreed to it, i thought i had agreed to a lingerie party. i had absolutely no idea what i had gotten myself into.
i burned the pictures. i threw away the petroleum jelly. i am letting all of my ass hair grow back. i have absolutely no recollection of what you are speaking. i passed out EARLY…
oh, if only i were a burrowing ass worm
November 10, 2007
that’s right. you heard it here first. last night i had the good fortune to see de la soul at ruby skye on mason street. now, as a place to hang out, ruby skye ranks right up there with any other place that sucks dick, and when you’re charging me $7 for a plastic cup of foamy beer, you better also swallow.
the two things the place has going for it are that it is an architec - turally beautiful space and that it showcases go-go dancers in hot pants behind a chain-linked fence, shakin’ what their mommas gave ‘em. oh, my. the one chick had a full size spare tire and she danced like my aunt phyllis - i think someone called out sick. the other girl, however, was absolutely stunning.
now, i love asian women. for my money, it’s hard to compete with a beautiful asian babe. throw in a tasteful back tattoo, two inches of peeking butt cheek, a girl who knows how to dance, and we are talking perfection. i couldn’t take my eyes off of her. i was getting super aroused. i literally wanted to climb inside this girl - that’s how hot she was. i was imagining myself as a parasitical worm inching my way up her toned thighs, over her rounded posterior, towards her sphincter where i then would proceed to squeeze myself into her ass. here, i would burrow, grow old and eventually die in anal bliss.
believe me when i say that i have never before wanted to be a worm in someone’s ass. i mean, she should take it as a compliment, right? i just don’t go around wanting to climb in people’s asses. an ass has to be pretty special for me to want to live in it.
i guess i’m just another hopeless romantic…
